What is concerning me and why I am reaching out is that I frequently have violent thoughts and desires.
To be specific, if someone does something that annoys me or (to be frank) threatens my ego: I want to shoot, stab, bludgeon, punch, kick, burn, and torture said person to death. This is what I sincerely want to do in these circumstances, no matter how outlandish it may sound.
If you were to observe me, you might not guess that this is what runs through my mind as I generally try to keep my appearance well-groomed and sport a controlled demeanor most of the time. I’m also not physically imposing as I am relatively short and built frail.
Assumptions like that, I believe, are what contribute to the danger of this issue.
I have lost it a few times and while I never seriously physically harmed anyone, I have seriously emotionally harmed some close relatives with what I’ve said. I think it had such a profound effect because they didn’t expect any of it from me until it happened.
To keep things short: this kind of mentality is extremely dangerous for others, never-mind myself. I fear that if I leave this unchecked then premeditation might become action and I would end up regretting it.
Would anyone happen to have some coping methods or skills they would like to share for this disposition? I would greatly appreciate advice.
I would also like to just clarify that this is not a threat or suggestion of any kind. It’s just something that has been bugging me for years now and I find it important to hear from others about this.