I often say that I have an IQ of 50. It was proven to me after all. Anyway, yesterday was the day that it really shined.
I’ve murdered people before. By accident but I did it. On an old server me and my boyfriend used to go on, there was a person called Mei. One day he vented about how miserable he was. I tried to cheer him up, but in doing so made him feel worse. Worse to the point that he said he was definitely gonna kill himself now. He was never heard from again.
Yesterday I accidentally did the same thing with someone else, but with much worse consequences. So to start, lemme begin by saying that I (along with the help of a bunch of friends) actually saved him from suicide before. I was feeling proud of myself that I could actually do something good in my life for a change. Yeah I let my cockiness get to me.
He posted again about how upset he was at his father. To respect the dead, I won’t go into detail on what his father did, but feeling overconfident I told him a story to cheer him up. He said he was gonna kill himself knowing about this story. And you guessed it. We never heard from him again.
Only this time it started a huge argument between me and everyone else on the Discord server we were on. Do bear in mind that except for 1 person, every single friend I still had was on that server. I considered them family. Because my blood family sure as shit aint my family. Not after the shit they put me through.
I was forced to leave the server. I was forced to leave my family again. It was 2010 when my blood family sent me to a mental hospital all over again.
I have nothing left except for my boyfriend who never has time for me anymore anyway, and a friend from some old forum I used to do to who can’t talk to me about emotionally heavy topics.
I’ve lost everything.
There is no concept in any form of communication in reality that even comes close to describing the emotional agony I’m experiencing. Saying I’m in infinite amounts of emotional agony doesn’t even come close to the amount of emotional pain I’m feeling right now. I’m beyond depressed. Beyond suicidal. Beyond insane. I’m convinced that my heart is rotting so badly that it’s just gone. I have no heart now. I have no anything. I’m in a place that’s so much worse than hell in every way.
4 comments
Sorry you feel so terrible. Firstly you’re not responsible for other people’s actions and they would’ve likely done what they did on their own anyways.
Secondly it’s not good to assume anything, they could’ve simply left the server and went to a different site. So once again don’t blame yourself, additionally you were trying to be helpful.
I’d say just be careful with certain people who are easily triggered. As for the your biological family I’m sorry to hear about the trouble you’ve gone through with them. Perhaps try to mend fences so you can live at home again instead of the institution, just an idea.
As for the bf, in time perhaps you can find another one. If you’re young maybe he was immature and not able to cope with the problems you’ve had in your life. We all make mistakes and mess up so you’re not alone. I have my beefs with family members as well. I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do in life.
Forgot to add, regarding your intelligence, I’m pretty sure your IQ is at least around 100, normal intelligence since your post is well written. People with a low-IQ can barely function in society, we’re talking about mental retardation when they’re that low.
So don’t blame your intelligence, we all make mistakes even very smart people. Trust me, I’m pretty smart but I’ve also made bad decisions, hindsight is 20/20. Also don’t forget that other people make their own mistakes and you’re not responsible for that. It’s just best to learn from those errors and move on with life.
You are not responsible for those people’s suicides…. It was their actions and I’m sure they would not be pleased by others taking credit for them -_-
If your friends abandoned you because of the death of a mutual friend that’s not great, probably not worth worrying about them…. They are in the wrong here in my opinion (not that that will make you feel any better.)
Either way I’m sorry about what has happened…. None of it is on you though
I have also been forced into mental hospital.. but not by any family of mine.. by complete strangers .. I am also beyond dead, my spirit already died 15 or so years ago. That’s about how long I’ve been sitting here waiting to try to get a gun to try to commit suicide by blowing out my brains .