I often say that I have an IQ of 50. It was proven to me after all. Anyway, yesterday was the day that it really shined.
I’ve murdered people before. By accident but I did it. On an old server me and my boyfriend used to go on, there was a person called Mei. One day he vented about how miserable he was. I tried to cheer him up, but in doing so made him feel worse. Worse to the point that he said he was definitely gonna kill himself now. He was never heard from again.
Yesterday I accidentally did the same thing with someone else, but with much worse consequences. So to start, lemme begin by saying that I (along with the help of a bunch of friends) actually saved him from suicide before. I was feeling proud of myself that I could actually do something good in my life for a change. Yeah I let my cockiness get to me.
He posted again about how upset he was at his father. To respect the dead, I won’t go into detail on what his father did, but feeling overconfident I told him a story to cheer him up. He said he was gonna kill himself knowing about this story. And you guessed it. We never heard from him again.
Only this time it started a huge argument between me and everyone else on the Discord server we were on. Do bear in mind that except for 1 person, every single friend I still had was on that server. I considered them family. Because my blood family sure as shit aint my family. Not after the shit they put me through.
I was forced to leave the server. I was forced to leave my family again. It was 2010 when my blood family sent me to a mental hospital all over again.
I have nothing left except for my boyfriend who never has time for me anymore anyway, and a friend from some old forum I used to do to who can’t talk to me about emotionally heavy topics.
I’ve lost everything.
There is no concept in any form of communication in reality that even comes close to describing the emotional agony I’m experiencing. Saying I’m in infinite amounts of emotional agony doesn’t even come close to the amount of emotional pain I’m feeling right now. I’m beyond depressed. Beyond suicidal. Beyond insane. I’m convinced that my heart is rotting so badly that it’s just gone. I have no heart now. I have no anything. I’m in a place that’s so much worse than hell in every way.