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I messed up

by carolina23451

Hi, I’m new here. I’ve been reading the post and all of you are so brave, I don’t even think I’ll post this on here. And I am sorry for the cursing, if I don’t remember to fix them, I am just too overwhelmed today, and I just want to die now! I fucked up, I truly fucked up, and all of you would tell me that it’s okay, but I don’t think it is okay. I messed up very badly. I have something wrong with me, I can feel it in my bones, and in my mind. I have something wrong with me. I don’t know how to express my emotions. I am a manipulative liar, I lost all of my friends. I really did, and everyone can tell me that I didn’t. But, I did. My plan is that I will die before I turn 17, sadly I turn 17 in 4 days. So, the plan to die, is slowing failing… and I don’t want to fail, I really don’t. I feel death will fix everything in the end. Everyone will miss me at first, but they’ll get over it. They’ll move on, they’ll forget me. I lost people, and my sister or parents, even boyfriend would say that I didn’t loose my friends, well at least some of them, but I did. It’s noticeable, the friends that I have changed around me. No one truly likes me. They act differently around me, and I can feel it. They’re conflicted, and I mean I get it, I have lied. I have messed up. And I am just pushing everyone away. So, yeah, maybe by next weekend, instead of celebrating my birthday, everyone will be celebrating my death, hopefully. I wish I never fucked up, I wish I knew the people that I lost before I became a liar, I would probably still have them in my life, but maybe this is a sign, that I didn’t get good friends, and that death is better for me anyway. I mean with me gone, my parents wouldn’t have to worry about me constantly, my boyfriend wouldn’t have to come and see me because my parents think that I am gonna kill myself because I am alone, and everyone would be much much more happy, I guarantee that. I wish I didn’t want to cut myself anymore, but in more recent times, I feel like I need to do it in order to feel numb. I don’t want anyone to worry about me, because in the end, I will either find help or die. And I just want my boyfriend, my family, my friend that did stay with me and hasn’t treated me differently, that all of this wasn’t their fault, it was mine and mine alone.

– Sorry for the rant.

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2 comments

Ennui 9/8/2019 - 1:19 pm

Hey sorry about that. Sometimes it helps to pretend that you’ve just been dropped into your life and to treat it kind of like a computer game. A weird idea I know, but sometimes it helps to view one’s life from a detached point of view and to disregard all the shame, etc. in favour of just minimizing the damage and even creating something meaningful out of a bad situation. Good luck:)

Cause of Death: Suicide 9/11/2019 - 9:57 pm

Hi. I have been waiting to kill myself since I was 10 years old. My goal was to commit suicide and die at 18 years old, because then I would be old enough to purchase guns. I am 25 now. Nothing has changed, all I’ve had in my life since I was 10 years old has been me and this wish to die. I am not glad that I messed up my plan. I am supposed to no longer be breathing for the last 7 years…… I am forced to stay alive by complete stranger in my life…

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