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Am I as messed up as I think I am?

by icaaa123

Ok so I’ll try and keep this as un dramatic as possible, as I hate melodrama. I guess I’m a pretty normal girl from a pretty normal English family, but lately I’ve been feeling like I don’t want to go on and it’s tough. Anyways, when I was 15, I was probs living my best life and starting to blossom out of my awkward pre teen all girls school nerdyness into a pretty social being. That summer my dad started to get pretty ill, he’d had depression all his life. I would be a bit dramatic to my then boyfriend I guess for attention, speculating whether my dad would kill himself. And then in March the next year he actually did, which was such a shock. I guess I didn’t really know how to take it, and just kind of went on with my life. I was pretty attention seeking and angry, but was really numb inside and kind of just acted how I thought I should be. All this suppressed emotion kind of made me undesirable to be around I guess, and I lost a lot of friends around this time. I carried on with school, missing one day and managed to get all A* in my GCSEs. I hated grammar school and was pretty unsatisfied with my remaining friends, so decided to start a new school for college. Anyways, this didn’t work out and I ended up going back, feeling as though the few friends I had weren’t good enough and feeling like a social failure. For the next 2 years I became obsessed with perfection. Now don’t get me wrong, none of these feelings actually meant I was a bad person. A lot of this was internalised, and I was generally a lovely girl to those around me. I lost my best friend at the time, but she was pretty nasty to me and let me down many times. But I was completely obsessed with getting perfect grades, having the perfect body, being super sociable and an all round goddess. I think the high pressure all girls environment fuelled this to an extent, but also I felt like I had something to prove after my dad killed himself. This really showed when I spiralled into a 3 month depression after I dyed my hair black and hated it. I wouldn’t look in the mirror or leave the house. All these feelings had accumulated to a superficial trigger point. Somehow I got better and managed to get A*AA in my alevels and an unconditional offer for my favourite uni. A levels exams were absolute hell though, and I was so anxious during them I could barely function and was convinced I would fail. After my dad died, my grandparents totally filled the role. They kept me, my mum and my brother going. A month before I sat my a levels, my grandad was found having taken an overdose of sleeping pills with a suicide note. I was there when my grandma, who was in the last stages of a rare cancer found out and I was in shock that another of my close family members had died by suicide. Anyways, I helped to nurse my grieving grandma as she died, and 2 weeks after my grandad she was gone too. My family are super positive and I never really felt like I could be upset about this, because I had already ‘grieved’ for my dad so more wouldn’t be necessary. Anyway, I went to work in America all summer and had an ok time, but I never really was able to fully enjoy it because I was so insecure inside. I am super confident, attractive and friendly but for some reason I struggle to connect with others. When I got home I had a week to prepare for uni and did basically nothing but put it off in my head. I had such big expectations on it going amazing that I was scared it wouldn’t live up to what I had built in my head. I basically said I would end my life if it didn’t work out. Anyways, I got to freshers, moved in in a hurry without even saying goodbye to my mum, and went out every single night, getting way too drunk and making a bit of a tit of myself. It got to the sixth day and I was just so totally overwhelmed and desperate that I put a belt around my neck in my room, pulled hard and passed out, after calling the Samaritans about 3 times. My mum came to pick me up and we drove 4 hours home the next day. I was so ill and ashamed that I couldn’t get out of bed and slept for the next 3 days. I am now about 3 weeks past that point and feel in constant despair every day. I had put so much on uni working out that I had no plan B. I am forced to take a gap year because I am too anxious and depressed to return but I live in a small town and all of my friends are at uni. If I had planned this in advance I would have gone travelling but I have no motivation to organise anything. I feel like a failure and want to end my life every day. I am hurting so bad and I don’t know what to do.

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3 comments

muspelhem 10/16/2019 - 6:04 pm

Really impressed with your academic achievements, and also the fact that you have kept going despite all the loss you have experienced. Glad you are still here.

Dunno, this might/might not be useful:
https://www.njlifehacks.com/the-how-of-happiness-sonja-lyubomirsky-summary/

Teresa's Child 10/16/2019 - 6:28 pm

This was a very well written post.

It’s titled “Am I As Messed up as I Think I Am?”, and yet you never really address how messed up you think you are.

I’m sorry you lost your father and grandpa to suicide. My belated condolences.

Seems like you’re now aware that you’re not as perfect as you thought you were, and see that having good grades and good looks isn’t everything. It’s not even the tip of the iceberg actually, though it might get you far, materialistically speaking.

I think taking a gap year is a blessing in disguise for you. Things probably could not continue the way they were, and this will allow you to reflect, maybe grieve a little, and approach the next year as a more laid back person who is more accepting of her own flaws.

I think someone like you should take this gap year to relax. Take some time to grieve. Take some time to be emotional, sit on a few curbs, smoke a few cigarettes, and all in all not have a perfect reputation. Take a hit. If you have concrete things you want to do in mind, definitely do those, but don’t feel forced to occupy all your time. Leave some gaps in there. Leave all your time free if you want. What’s the worst that can happen? Life is full of ups and downs, and this is a good year to intentionally let in the downs. I think that will give you a depth that will make you more ‘perfect’ in the long run, because perfection in my eyes is not a straight and narrow road.

You’re not all that messed up. And your future is still fine as well. I had a close friend, and she chose to take a gap year where she essentially did nothing, before going to uni. All her friends, myself included, went before her, and we all looked down on her. She went to the same prestigious uni I did.

And guess what, she turned out just fine. So no big deal. There’s a lot of hope for you yet.

Keep your chin up, and welcome to SP!

Cause of Death: Suicide 10/17/2019 - 6:08 pm

You could always read, study and talk long walks between gap years. I think you should consider yourself lucky that you get to attend uni, even if you have to now live with the disappointment of having a gap year. Just because you can’t study formally doesn’t mean that you can’t still learn.. I mean isn’t that the purpose of going to uni…. or is it for popularity, social reasons, and personal merit? You’ll just have to sit out this year. I never got a chance to go to college, so you should be really looking forward to the next year. You could even get a part-time job and save money. A year goes by really quickly and time is really nothing at all, it will pass.

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