Ok so I’ll try and keep this as un dramatic as possible, as I hate melodrama. I guess I’m a pretty normal girl from a pretty normal English family, but lately I’ve been feeling like I don’t want to go on and it’s tough. Anyways, when I was 15, I was probs living my best life and starting to blossom out of my awkward pre teen all girls school nerdyness into a pretty social being. That summer my dad started to get pretty ill, he’d had depression all his life. I would be a bit dramatic to my then boyfriend I guess for attention, speculating whether my dad would kill himself. And then in March the next year he actually did, which was such a shock. I guess I didn’t really know how to take it, and just kind of went on with my life. I was pretty attention seeking and angry, but was really numb inside and kind of just acted how I thought I should be. All this suppressed emotion kind of made me undesirable to be around I guess, and I lost a lot of friends around this time. I carried on with school, missing one day and managed to get all A* in my GCSEs. I hated grammar school and was pretty unsatisfied with my remaining friends, so decided to start a new school for college. Anyways, this didn’t work out and I ended up going back, feeling as though the few friends I had weren’t good enough and feeling like a social failure. For the next 2 years I became obsessed with perfection. Now don’t get me wrong, none of these feelings actually meant I was a bad person. A lot of this was internalised, and I was generally a lovely girl to those around me. I lost my best friend at the time, but she was pretty nasty to me and let me down many times. But I was completely obsessed with getting perfect grades, having the perfect body, being super sociable and an all round goddess. I think the high pressure all girls environment fuelled this to an extent, but also I felt like I had something to prove after my dad killed himself. This really showed when I spiralled into a 3 month depression after I dyed my hair black and hated it. I wouldn’t look in the mirror or leave the house. All these feelings had accumulated to a superficial trigger point. Somehow I got better and managed to get A*AA in my alevels and an unconditional offer for my favourite uni. A levels exams were absolute hell though, and I was so anxious during them I could barely function and was convinced I would fail. After my dad died, my grandparents totally filled the role. They kept me, my mum and my brother going. A month before I sat my a levels, my grandad was found having taken an overdose of sleeping pills with a suicide note. I was there when my grandma, who was in the last stages of a rare cancer found out and I was in shock that another of my close family members had died by suicide. Anyways, I helped to nurse my grieving grandma as she died, and 2 weeks after my grandad she was gone too. My family are super positive and I never really felt like I could be upset about this, because I had already ‘grieved’ for my dad so more wouldn’t be necessary. Anyway, I went to work in America all summer and had an ok time, but I never really was able to fully enjoy it because I was so insecure inside. I am super confident, attractive and friendly but for some reason I struggle to connect with others. When I got home I had a week to prepare for uni and did basically nothing but put it off in my head. I had such big expectations on it going amazing that I was scared it wouldn’t live up to what I had built in my head. I basically said I would end my life if it didn’t work out. Anyways, I got to freshers, moved in in a hurry without even saying goodbye to my mum, and went out every single night, getting way too drunk and making a bit of a tit of myself. It got to the sixth day and I was just so totally overwhelmed and desperate that I put a belt around my neck in my room, pulled hard and passed out, after calling the Samaritans about 3 times. My mum came to pick me up and we drove 4 hours home the next day. I was so ill and ashamed that I couldn’t get out of bed and slept for the next 3 days. I am now about 3 weeks past that point and feel in constant despair every day. I had put so much on uni working out that I had no plan B. I am forced to take a gap year because I am too anxious and depressed to return but I live in a small town and all of my friends are at uni. If I had planned this in advance I would have gone travelling but I have no motivation to organise anything. I feel like a failure and want to end my life every day. I am hurting so bad and I don’t know what to do.