Since it seems I’m not going to be ending my life (at least for the time being), that leaves me trying to improve my current experience. I’m just not sure how. I’m so tired, afraid, isolated, despairing, full of self-hatred etc. Then there’s all the physical discomfort I’m in. I just want to zone out and totally disconnect from reality. But I can’t. If I’m going to try and survive, I need to find some way to function.
But I don’t know how to do that without making myself feel worse. There always seems to be some reminder of my inferiority, my worthlessness, how hopeless it is for me. It just sends me spiralling straight back into the ‘I want to die’ mindset. I’m stuck in this endless loop. I need to figure out some way of engaging with a world that rightfully despises me. But I have nothing to fall back on – no real reasons to live. I’m primarily not killing myself because I’m afraid – of the effect it would have on my parents, and of the possibility of being trapped in a worse state beyond death.
There’s nothing much else for me to live for – no connection is possible. I don’t have the strength in me to face the reality of who I am and my situation. I’m completely alone, floundering in the dark.
3 comments
I can understand. I too am sticking around – for my daughter and husband. I am always in a cycle of hope to hopelessness. I don’t know how to stop it. I find new things to do – now hobbies, job, etc – but it always ends up just me back at home..doing nothing. These boards actually helped me before, so I am back.
I’ve lurked on this site for many years now, on and off, and have read a lot of your posts… can’t claim to truly know the nature of your problems/pain, but much of what you write resonates with me. I too feel rather alienated from society/others…don’t really have any friends, and any “friendly relationships” I might have never last long. Of course this also means I don’t have much in the way of romantic, or even purely sexual, relationships. My only real and lasting relationships are with my immediate family. I often wonder if my inability to connect with others is perhaps some degree of autism I have.
I struggle with the stark reality that my life will be in many ways unfulfilling, especially in regards to social connection/personal relationships, which kind of casts a dark shadow on everything one might do in this life. It always feels like “what’s the point of any of this?”, “I just don’t belong here”, “I am a mistake and should never have been”. And yet I am still here… obviously I’ve engaged in a lot of suicidal ideation, but I’ve come to the conclusion that for whatever reason, I just am not going to do it, no matter how much I might wish to no longer exist.
And so if I am going to live, I need to find some way to make it more tolerable, less painful…while fully accepting/acknowledging the reality that it will be an ultimately unfulfilling life, at least in regards to the things that I now feel/believe are meaningful/important/necessary.
I am not entirely sure how I will/can do this, but it seems to me the only way forward… it’s like I have to accept that my life is destined to be a failure, but still need to motivate myself to live…need to find a reason to live/fight, even though the things I might hold dear will never be realized…
Thank you for sharing that. I think it’s so hard to imagine being able to live without hope. We’re meaning seeking creatures, so if I’m constantly realising ‘what you consider meaningful is impossible for you’, it really hurts. Why get out of bed in the morning? Ultimately just because I don’t want to become homeless and suffer more intensely, or cause my family greater stress than I already have. But all I have is negative reasons – fears. I don’t have any positive reason to do anything. And I don’t think you can run on fear alone long term – it wears you down.
There are certain circumstances in which I hope I would have the strength to end it, but otherwise I’m stuck here. I have to constantly remind myself why I’m not ending it – it makes rational sense, but my emotions want real meaning and refuse to fully accept it. However, I’m feeling a little less zombified than I did this time yesterday, so that’s something.