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i would but I want to

by ryandavan

Its 8:22 PM on a Wednesday night. October 2 2018

I thought Id make it to my 16th birthday. Nov 3.

but im about to share my biggest bully. and really the one person who loves me no matter what. myself

im 15 , slender and toned, 5’10, and bleached damaged hair. im obsessed with the 80s-90s. and I want to become a journalist/ clothing designer. I wanted to be anything that I wanted. I truly believe that anyone can be anything. or at least myself.

im a sophmore in high school , im well known I guess you could say. everyone wans my life. or want to be apart of the craziness.  I just took half a bottle of sleeping pills so Ill speed this up lol.

im not known as the gay kid or the cute light skin with pretty eyes. im more of a placeholder for everything. like I said I don’t know what I want from this world. everyone knows this. at least I hope I think.

I was odviaslly bullied about my sexuality , but it only lasted about 2 months of my 8th grade year.so needless to say I live a so much better city than most people in the south.  I am not dying for revenge. im not dying for pityness which will probably come to my mother after news spreads. im dying to live. I’ve never been to New York or las angelous or how ever you spell it. but I want everyone to take a look at what I could’ve become. everything and anything. I slipped up and it was on me. I caught myself slipping and had to do it. im going insane in my own head.

I wonder what it would be like after death. nothing. absoluetly nothingnesses. im just a carcus that need to be eaten. my brain. ME. my pure self is about to the best moments of my life as I fall asleep here. and then.

im out.

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Cause of Death: Suicide 10/2/2019 - 10:31 pm

Hey. I’m 25, I had planned since 9 – 10 years old that I would commit suicide on my 18th birthday, but I am still alive at 25. I used to want to be a surgeon but then I started getting put in mental hospitals and fed pills. Then I started getting raped and molested shortly after. All I’ve ever thought about is how to escape my situation. I always thought I wouldn’t be able to leave my torment in anyway other than by killing myself somehow, jumping off bridge into traffic, shooting myself, overdosing, sitting on train, n*m – monster … anything and I’ve thought about it, and any other way to get out of my torment I have thought about too (that of course didn’t involve suicide because although I do not value much, I did value my life.) I was very desperate for a while.. somehow I am still trapped in the horrible situation that made me suicidal to begin with and it appears it is just getting worse. Lol. I guess I honestly have no reason to continue living. I’m antisocial because everyone in my town are heterosexuals (most are homophobes) so I’m forced to be alone all the time, and the company that follows me I would be very much happier without. It seems I am in a predicament now because I was sexually and mentally abused so bad that I can no longer walk, and all I dream about each night is being abused – sometimes they will put me in seizures or paralyze me to laugh at me. I am always shunned for my sexuality, gender and I have people that follow me… um, but I just guess you know I am ready to die because the only thing other people are doing is making families and/or showing off, careers and college. I am afraid of people and believe you can’t trust anyone. I don’t trust anyone. I basically feel like an American living in Iran most of the time.

I suppose it’s not that I want to kill myself and die .. you know just for no reason at all … but it seems the bad outweighs the good even on my best day. And honestly when I think about it, I’ve never had any friends, never had any family and never could because everyone appears too alien to me. So I would never go to college, work just in order to not have to interact with those aliens. Lol. Though it does seem it is hard to kill myself because it seems I am being, somewhat, followed. Every day and every night I feel like someone is watching me. And also my mother still believes me to be her daughter … although I am not. Lol.

I also would like to say I believe life on earth would be a lot better if the population was cut in half. Most of the people are nothing but annoying and reproduce out of perversion.

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