Every time i get close to doing a suicide attempt, one thing in particular stops me. Survival instinct. My brain won’t let me kill myself.
Except, last night the depression got really bad. I was having trouble breathing, couldn’t stop crying and my whole body was trembling. I just wanted the pain to stop. Not breathing seemed to help calm myself so i did that a few times. At some point, i didn’t feel the normal pressure of my body making me breath anymore. I just held my breath and didn’t feel the urge to breath. At that moment my survival instinct was gone. However, the surprise of that discovery snapped me out of it. I nearly blacked out by just lying there and not breathing. I wish i would have.
2 comments
Same thing happened to me. You can’t make yourself die slowly, survival instict is way faster than the reasoning that made you come up with the decision. Tried the train after that, but seeing the train come makes you get really scared and well, not have the courage to end it. Thats how fast survival instinct is.
I think I could kill myself whenever I wanted to, if I wanted to. I have nothing I care about on earth except for myself. But everyday I can’t remember myself and I feel like I’m not myself anymore. Of course with getting older and degenerating. So before long, I won’t be me at all so I wouldn’t care about myself enough to not commit.. if you know what I’m saying. I can’t even remember the good times because I was always making the good times as I went along when I was still myself. Now that I am not myself, there is no ..really.. good time.. at all.. And then again there are so many people out there and I don’t know any of them, what will it matter for 1 to disappear.
When I do commit, I am sure I do not want my body to be found!! and I of course don’t want any press coverage (media, paper) because I am very anxious since a small child. I kind of imagine it and hope it to be like the city is losing a citizen that they never knew existed. And the more people that know after (or even before) the more horrendous it is for me… but it’s easy to shrug off.. I suppose I only consider them strangers.
Hopefully, I will make my decision and leave here soon enough.