I am so Tired. No one seems to have empathy and I dont Want their sympathy or pity. I’ve been pretending that I am Okay for far too long and I am Burnt out. I am So tired of being alive I cant Catch a break! I am Not someone who complains until my breaking point (hence my being here shouting into the void) and no one saw my struggle because my pride and pain tolerance are much higher than expected. I am Always in pain mentally or physically. I have A chronic physical and neurological illness and am extremely depressed since before that. I am So tired of fighting every day to be seen as lazy and not trying. I hate Getting older and not getting anywhere except sadder and sicker and uglier.
My 22nd birthday is in 2 days and all I can Think about is dying young. I sliced my arm the other day and had to get 4 stitches which was fun and as luck would have it my hand was crushed partially in industrial equipment today landing me back in the urgent care in less than 48 hrs. This pain is even worse and now I cant Go to work or go out and forget my pains I cant Ignore and deny everything I am Helpless and I cant Draw or paint or make music or exercise or even dress myself properly and I’m all alone with my thoughts and reality and I hate it all. I love Two people who love me back but I dont Think I can be with either of them for different reasons respectively. I know It will get bleaker as I grow Older and the idea of parting is too painful to handle. One is so kind and sees me for me, sees what I’m about but is probably not meant to be, and the other is just too different- I want To be with him but when I am I am so depressed because by nature he is not very caring and doting or verbally affectionate which makes me feel unappreciated and unwanted. I don’t want to lose him, that thought is just too painful. I think I’m just accepting that the pains to come inevitably will be too much for me to handle, and that my outlook is bleak and the pain I feel Now is forcing my acknowledgement.
1 comment
Yes, being depressed is extremely tiring.
It sounds like you have lots to say, and I think you’d feel a lot better if you said more of it to someone — someone who knows how to bring out the things that are too proud to say to people you know. Talking, and finding a good person to talk to, can also be exhausting, but in my experience it is something you can do gradually, and eventually actually gives you more energy.
Although 22 feels old when you are 21, from where I’m standing, it is really young, and a lot can change before getting older really starts making things bleaker. (Things can get bleaker at any time, but it won’t be getting older that makes them get bleaker until you’re well into middle age.)
Good luck choosing between the two people who love you.