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No happy ending

by alina_01

I’ve come on here over the years to vent, to write about the things I feel. Things normal people would dismiss without any understanding what so ever. I fought hard and I had some years of relief I suppose but now its back with a vengeance. It’s like this fucked up form of cancer that literally sucks the life out of you. I went 7 years without cutting without a single thought of planning out my suicide. I cut again I sliced away the first slice was the deepest. There was hardly any relief it was mostly disappointment that I ended up back here again. Life is harder this time, I’m worn down and don’t want to try or fight anymore. I don’t want to die I know deep down I don’t but I can’t live like this I can’t. I’m stuck all the options I have to escape are impossible, they all end with me being fucked. So what am I to do? There is no silver lining there is no hope for better all of that requires effort I no longer have in me to make. I have been fighting and trying since I was about 8 to be better to get away from all the hurt. Only to realize 21 years later that there is no escape it’s everywhere. I’m tired I give up I mixed antipsychotics with alcohol and slept all day yesterday and today. I wish I would have stayed asleep but I woke up, I always wake up. I’m afraid truly afraid of killing myself and ending up in a hell worse than this with absolutely no escape. Or attempting to kill myself and being unsuccessful. So here I am contemplating what to do

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4 comments

headupunderdarkcloud 12/27/2019 - 10:36 pm

I’m sorrr to hear that. I wish I had an answer. But I guess if any, it’s ok to drop off for a little while and just sleep all day. Maintaining in this current world is just plain insane. So take a rest from it, for a little while, it’s ok.
Thats what I’m doing. There’s too much expectation to be perfect, so screw it.
Thank you for your post

Cause of Death: Suicide 12/27/2019 - 10:39 pm

ive never cut cuz I don’t like the way it feels. my suicide is planned out, I have the plan but I have been waiting to complete since 2006. I was supposed to have commit in 2012 at the very latest after waiting since 2006. I could cut, but why cut?… they say cutters just want attention. I don’t want attention, so I never cut, I just want to commit. I just want to commit. cutting wont kill me.

alina_01 12/28/2019 - 12:57 pm

As if society has ever been right in what they assume things mean. Cutting long ways within a vein will make you bleed out and die. Cutting across gives me a sense of relief from the anguish of emotions I have bottled up. I hate this world and the poor excuse for individuals that inhabit it I could careless what they think my cutting means .

muspelhem 12/28/2019 - 4:07 pm

Before I was ever exposed to psychiatry, I managed to find meaning in my suffering. I knew how to raise the white flag and admit defeat. To accept my lowly lot in life. To accept death, in a sense, I suppose.

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