I Sabotage Myself

It’s fucked, I know
Right when things go well, I go and fuck it all up
Like just now
I have a boyfriend, a new position in my workplace that doesn’t suck ASS. I’m away from an emotionally abusive mother and an apathetic brother.
But you had to start cutting again?
I wish I could just die, but I have too many connections right now. The most logical way for me to go is in a way that causes the least pain towards the people around me.
I’ve thought about ruining all my relationships. Just becoming belligerent and hateful for the sake that they see me the way I see myself. So they leave me because I deserve to be alone and hated.
I want to be in pain. I want to be hated because that’s what I deserve
I’ve inconvenienced too many people just by existing. I’m too open and I’m too weird and I can’t keep my damn mouth shut
I wish it was easier to develop amnesia. I wish I could just forget EVERYTHING
The good and the bad. I want to start new in an adult body.
But now, all I have is a razor, three bottles of pills, and myself.
How long will I last?