he is one of the most decent persons i know. the problem is that i’m a piece of shit who would rather run away from all my problems and leave no one with my burdens. i want to run away from everything, everything. i just wanna shut myself and play games and sleep in my room. i don’t want to interact with anyone in real life. there’s no point for me to participate in society anyway. i’m just a useless person who keeps giving out half-assed work because i’m so burned out and depressed.
he doesn’t deserve a piece of shit like me. at this point, i feel it would be easier to just read reader inserts about my favorite characters and live in a pretend world with these fictional characters than to interact with actual people. everything goes my way. everything finally goes my way. everything isn’t turning to shit. i don’t want to go on a wild goose chase for a grain of pleasure for this short, stupid life. i know it’s stupid that by breaking up with my boyfriend, i’m practically throwing a huge part of my happiness away. but as long as he learns to live without me, it’ll be fine. i’ll be fine.
maybe i’ll become a shut in. maybe maybe. but my parents will get mad at me. mad mad mad. maybe i should kill myself. but how do i kill myself if i always fail? the worst that had happened in my attempts in that my neck became bruised and in another attempt, my liver was in pain for a few hours. i want to run away from everyone, so that no one EVER interferes with my plans EVER again. humans are so stupid. they worry so much when you tell them you want to kill yourself and then stop caring when you go like, “fine! i won’t do it.”
is there any place i can run to? and by run to, i mean, i don’t mind living lowkey for the rest of my life — if i live as a shut-in, i’ll probably die earlier than expected because of not eating and shit. i don’t want to live on this world anymore.