I’ve given up on that

I won’t subject myself to anymore ridicule and shame. I have decided that I don’t wanna pursue a relationship anymore. Why? Well because I hate that feeling of rejection. I hate it so much that I will avoid the possibility of it happening at all costs. I have discovered that I can actually still live a fulfilling life even without a significant other, gf, wife, soulmate or whatever you wanna call it. I know why women have rejected me. I will admit and own up to my flaws. I will work on my flaws and this will be an ongoing process from now on. But I won’t ever allow myself to connect with women anymore even after I’ve become a stronger version of myself. Instead I will focus on my other purposes in life. I don’t hate women, I’m simply so hurt that I’m in a permanent defensive mode. I don’t ever wanna feel the pain again. I’d rather die then feel that pain of rejection. I’m just not a dateable person. The truth is that even if I did become rich and strong I’m still a trash of a man in my own eyes. And I suppose if that did happen and i did become rich and strong I’d have more attention but I’d honestly ignore it because it just feels shallow to me. Nobody cares about you until you become that big popular rich new famous guy on the block and that’s just a real turn off for me. If I did become somebody like that Id honestly have less fish in the sea to find because I’d purposely ignore all the fame from women. I will be a virgin till death and I’m okay with that. What I’m depressed about is how I can’t rewind time and make a few different choices that would’ve allowed me to develop into a normal man. Everyone says there’s no such thing as normal but I know damn well what’s crazy and that describes me. I’m a crazy man who refuses love. Im ignoring something that’s built into my DNA…..now that’s crazy! But humans are able to do that somehow. I’m my case it’s not really choice but I have the ability to be okay with it in my mind and stop desiring. If I desire then I will always feel empty so I must default to feeling nothing. No instead my purpose in life is to serve those who are not fuck ups like me. I will be working in the background but I will still be contributing to society. I will still have a purpose in life. I may never meet someone but I will for damn sure have a purpose in this life. Pity me all you want, I still won’t change my mind. I’m too fucked up to change. I’m too scarred. And when I say this I’m not referring to relationships. I’m referring to something darker that is preventing me from even allowing myself to form a romantic bond with anybody. I am seriously too scarred and I know it. No one can heal me except me. Not a woman, not a friend, not a brother….no one….just me. I am suicidal because of something else that eats me up everyday until I die.