I hesitate to write here because there isn’t really anything new. People are awful, I try to be kind and get taken advantage of and keep thinking that “this time things will be different.” The thoughts of wanting to die stay with me as much as I shake them off. I’m not worried that I’m going to try to kill myself because life is pretty much the same shit it has been and it’s been about 10 years since I’ve attempted anything. Things aren’t really that bad but today feels heavy and hard. I’m not in the mood to excuse everyone’s shit. I don’t want to be touched, I don’t want to be vented to, I don’t have it in me to hear about anything or anyone. I don’t want to look at my house, which is a mess. I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to go anywhere else either though. I am dating a person and while that brings me some joy, the sadness and loneliness always fight their way in and the thoughts of “she doesn’t really love you,” “no one really cares,” “people will never treat you well,” “you don’t deserve to be treated well” will always wage a fucking war on my heart. Everyone is struggling to be kind to each other, although I see some people making more efforts than other people. Most people are garbage people. Maybe I’m a garbage person. Hopefully this all ends soon and I won’t have to deal with all of the things. No need to leave comments, not sure that they really matter.
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Well, it’s like the old saying goes, garbage in, garbage out. The corollary is quality in, quality out. Garbage people definitely exist. I’m dealing with one right now. But they don’t even have to be garbage, they choose to be. And with every garbage choice they make, they probably feel like that garbage gets cemented into them. It’s like a great hulking monolith of garbage, and obviously you can’t change garbage into something nice. You can flit around the outside and gussy it up, make it look nice, but there’s still garbage beneath the veneer, right? I just wonder where all this garbage comes from, and why it exists in the first place. Whose garbage is it, and why do we have to hold onto it? What is the genesis of the garbage? No one knows. Pardon me, I have to go rip off some dude so I can pay my rent and not get kicked out. I’m helping a domestic violence victim hide from her abuser, and it’d be a shame if we didn’t have a place to stay.