Still struggling

This has been a rough month for me. It seems from the outside that I should be proud of what I’m doing, but I feel nothing but shame. I’m applying to graduate school and I was able to get my application into four different school. As of right now one has declined to interview me, and a second has outright rejected me. If I don’t get in there isn’t really work for me to do with my bachelors degree, which means that I’ve wasted the last three years of my life. For the last three years I’ve performed research and attained a GPA of 3.9. However due to my early mistakes my overall GPA is only 2.85. I didn’t do as well at the entrance exams as I hoped either. So even though I’ve put really hard work into this, it’s a waste. I don’t even know if I’ll ever be able to get into the career I want, their standards are so high.

I want to die. Really, that’s my next best option. I pulled myself together for that dream job, and that stupid thing is out of reach. I know it’s selfish, and I know that others think I live this charmed life, but on a day to day level I’m miserable. The only joy in my life for the past three years has been hoping to get into grad school and get to do the work I’ve trained for years for.

I guess I just don’t matter much on the larger scale. Any work I might do isn’t important enough to anyone to stand up for me. I don’t want to go to sleep because the nightmares will come back, but I have to sleep to function. I don’t even want to do any of this anymore, it’s all so pointless. That’s life though, one long trudge through pointless task after pointless task and then one day you get to be dead, the highest aspiration any of us can be assured of.