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smiling on instinct

by evianwatre

this week i went out with some of the closer friends i have, and noticed that i can actually act normal and conceal everything now. i feel the same no matter what they say, what i say. we watched the film searching and eventually i gave up on killing myself in somewhere hidden.

if you don’t know, searching is about a father searching for his disappeared daughter, i don’t know, it scares me that people’ll look for my rotting body and everything

i don’t know how long it’ll take for people i care to die of old age. i don’t know if i can make it that long. my brain is either completely blank and rejecting any informations or filled with those words, where i whisper to myself again and again how much of a piece of shit i am, almost sucking on the phrases as a pacifier, to reassure myself and see if i’m still there.

i’m completely numb. anger is washed down, same goes happiness and being sad.i don’t want to make this sound fancy so i’m just going to use the basic emotion words, but sad, for fuck’s sake i hate that word. i stopped feeling love along with most of the positive things. there’s just nothing. i don’t know how else to fix this but to…release some tension through the sexual way, but it’s almost like i’m doing it medically, this is really fucking weird to put out. my body don’t want the feeling, but if i don’t feel something comforting, i’m really going to collapse. but there’s something that keeps on screaming and yelling and telling me i should drop all this and run away. i can’t bring myself to do anything anymore. i don’t know when the day may come. sometimes i feel like there’s this steel rod, digging into the back of my neck, where there’s this little curve, leading to the bottom of the skull. break it, break it, but the rod stays there, and the voices continues. i know i deserve this, every single part of it. but i’m exhausted, every part of me is tired. dreams after dreams, no matter if it’s 1 hour or 11 hours of sleep, i can go on and on without stop, if only i get the chance to.

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BummerBum 2/16/2020 - 8:41 pm

I remember hearing this somewhere, “a cup that is full cannot be filled.” If the mind is full of unpleasantness, the only way to put good things in is to empty it first. That, however, tends to be a challenge. If there are any parks nearby, or perhaps a patch of woods, going for a walk on a warm day (night can be beautiful too with the stars, but you gotta be care what else is about) while listening to some relaxing music, or perhaps an audiobook, can help the brain forget life’s troubles and put you in a tranquil place.

Cause of Death: Suicide 2/19/2020 - 7:02 am

Sometimes I get a little worried thinking they will send out search parties to look for my dead body, and I’d much prefer for the body to never be found , you know? But I doubt anyone will care lol. No one will search for the dead body, I don’t even have a family or any friends. Anyway what matter is it if they find the body once it is dead. The main thing and the only goal is to kill the body. Why worry if it’s found after death. It will no longer matter.

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