I was here about three years ago. I’m here again because I’m losing my mind and I feel like I need to write this out somewhere finally and no platform felt safe.
Still don’t feel safe. Shit, why is this so hard to talk about?
I think my father has been cheating on my mother with escorts (for years) and my mother knows about his tendencies but prefers to lie to herself and lie to everyone that everything is fine.
And I fucking hate to have come to know this information, but in the same time I’m somewhat relieved because I always thought I am just the crazy one, all my life I felt that there is something wrong with me, while my parents have always been so “perfect”. But actually now I realise all the lies, the gaslighting, the emotional abuse, my father’s lack of empathy and me feeling like an alien because it all looked perfect but felt emotionless and painful. So many things happened and my mother pretended that is all perfect and normal. I’m angry at her because of letting all this happen to me, to her. I’m even more angry at her than at my father.
Anyway, coming back to the subject, I didn’t know if my mother knew, and I know she lives in her rose coloured fantasy world – anything I mention that is happening in their relationship, like emotional and verbal abuse, she just pretends it’s normal, and that she is “good at only seeing the positive in everything”. At one point we were talking and the opportunity arose as she said something like “your father is coming home late again” or whatever and I said, jokingly, “who knows where is he going”. At this point her face changed as if I was telling her the most tragic news you could imagine. And she was saying “no, no, no” looking extremely disturbed. It was so scary that I immediately said “okay, okay, I was joking, come on” and tried to smile as lightly as I could. And I’m not one to take back jokes like this. It was really scary to watch. So yeah, whatever it is but she is not open to take the truth. And so I am left with this freaking secret that makes me feel like I’m losing my mind. I also don’t feel at all comfortable to talk with my father about it, I’m honestly scared of him, still. I’m in my 30’s, I don’t live with them but currently they are helping me financially and we have a very fucked up enmeshed relationship.
I really needed to share this, I hope someone reads it…
5 comments
You have to distance yourself in relationships like that. Take a step back, recognize that the dynamic is both beyond you, and completely off the rails of normal human behavior, and let your life be your life. You can learn a lot of bad lessons in that situation, but you can also learn that your life doesn’t have to be defined by how messed up your parents are. You’re not crazy. They are. Well, you might be a little, but who isn’t? You’re not their brand of crazy. Embrace that fact and hold onto it like a life-raft when you have to deal with them.
Thank you, it’s such a mindfuck unfortunately that I keep falling back to thinking that I’m the one who is crazy, because on the surface my parents seem completely normal people, on the self-sacrificing and always helpful side. It’s hard because I feel like if I keep distance, I’m hurting my mother, but when I’m with her I feel irritated and suffocated all the time. I think I am the main source of her happiness which honestly is too much to take and usually is the main thought that drives me to wanting to kill myself.
I read it all the way through. Your father sounds like quite the narcissist.
BTW, I agree with rivets.
Yeah, I think he is, but not a very obvious one, which then makes me always question myself. Of course that constant self questioning and lack of confidence is basically coming from him as well…I feel like I will never have the validation I need to prove to myself that what I feel and believe about them is true. I think it’s the result of years of gaslighting. And yes, there are good stuff about them, that’s the thing, it’s not black or white. But I spent the last two years focusing on the good stuff but felt more and more drawn back into the enmeshment I tried so desperately to escape from since I was in my teens.