I wish they wouldn’t

Today was my next planned death date, exactly 14 years since my first attempt to kill myself. Now that it’s here it seems like I might be able to get through it, I woke up feeling decent, better than I felt yesterday anyways. This is why I always set the date a few days out; I know my emotions are unstable and while I seem to always want to die, I only have the burning desire to kill myself every few days.
I regret two things about my first attempt: trying to say goodbye to my friends, and not succeeding. Even during the good times since then I still wish I hadn’t failed, I can’t miss out on something I didn’t know and still could have avoided all the bad shit along the way.
Anyways, since I opened my big mouth, which I promised myself I wouldn’t do again after it destroyed my first attempt, the two people I told have been going out of their way to try and cheer me up, it’s incredibly annoying. I hate that. I hate when they do things for me and tell me I deserve to do something for myself. I had a good time, sure, but now it would be ungrateful if I do die. It’s more to leave behind; I wish they would just let me go and not make it harder. I should have kept my mouth shut.
Well, I imagine I’ll still be here tomorrow. I’ll have to pick a new date again so I don’t die on impulse. I do know one thing for sure, my moods/emotions/impulses run like a roller coaster with ups and downs all day so I know this isn’t over but I’m still trying.