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by 15andfuckedup

I need a break. Or else give me the courage to kill myself. I repeat the courage, not just these thoughts about killing myself or the ability to come up with a plan for suicide, I need the courage to execute that plan without any loose ends. And if it can be obtained from somewhere, then do tell me.


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mountaingoat 5/10/2020 - 9:33 pm

Even if I could, it’s not allowed.

It’s illegal to help someone suicide too.

Sorry pal, but you are on your own with this one.

I just saw your name is 15andfuckedup.

If you are 15 years old, you are way too young for suicide. I don’t care what’s going on with you. Your life hasn’t even begun. At least give it a chance. So much is going to change in the next 5 years or so, you could literarily be anywhere by then. Good or bad.

Please believe that.

Good luck to you.

15andfuckedup 5/11/2020 - 2:08 am

I am way too young, am I? Because if I am then why the hell am I having all these thoughts, why the hell am I feeling all this, when I’m way too young, when I am not supposed to. Because it’s not like every other 15 year old feels this way (I think so).
I know that things are just gonna get worse as time passes, and I am going to keep resisting this by ignoring it and faking it during daytime and crying like a baby at nights until I die.
It’s like if you attach some kind of AI device to my head and if it could read my thoughts, that device would fuck itself up, like it would stop functioning and then die. But I don’t have this courage, take everything from me just give me this one thing, people are dying everyday, and fortunate enough, I am a human so kill me.
I just feel angry and bad for these two mortals for giving me birth, because now they aren’t helping me and still somehow believe me when I fake it. I’m a great impostor. There’s some kid out there who deserves this life and would embrace the faith people have in me and all these resources given to me.
And yes, thanks for telling me that I’m in this on my own. At least you’re honest.

Jack 5/11/2020 - 9:39 am

So what are some problems that bother you the most and what would a solution other than suicide be?

15andfuckedup 5/11/2020 - 1:48 pm

living bothers me. i already mentioned the other choice, i need a break, where im all alone (like physically) no phone, no family, no school, nothing, just me. So that i can at least try one last time to see if it can be fixed just one last time. So that i can get inside my head without any interruption and maybe just maybe fix this.

unknown 5/11/2020 - 10:47 pm

why is 15 too young? I’ve wanted to kill myself since I was 12 and quite frankly I wish I had ended it because after 15 this shit just went downhill. I’m sure every situation is different, but 15 was the last time I had the chance to go. and now im almost 20 and stuck for the next 18 or so years.

Abnormal.Thoughts 5/11/2020 - 9:54 am

I agree with Mountaingoat, you are too young to die yet. You can have these feelings but give life a chance before you act on them. Your life will drastically change in a short time and there is a chance it will be good and you will be happy.
Go ahead and make a plan but give yourself some time distance to make sure you chose the right plan. By the time you are 20 you will most likely barely recognize who you are today.

15andfuckedup 5/11/2020 - 1:55 pm

that’s what i don’t understand, “giving life a chance”? tf that means? like im just supposed to give it another try like we call it in math ‘hit and trial method’ (which btw doesn’t solve a given problem almost always), thats what im supposed to do, just hit and try until theres no ink left in the pen? until i die of exhaustion? that doesn’t seem in any way better than suicide tbh

mountaingoat 5/11/2020 - 10:05 am

What you are going through is a lot more common than you might think. The fucked up thoughts, the faking it.

That’s basically the human condition.

The thinking part of the mind is untamed, out of control, and corrupted. It does this to pretty much everybody to one degree or another. Out of ignorance, we listen to it and believe it is ourself.

We all search for relief from that. We grab onto whatever we can to sooth ourselves from that pain. Drugs, alcohol, sex, maybe food.

Higher minded people may use greater and greater achievement for some relief.

Some people are in the position to acquire evermore money and power to relieve themselves from it. That’s a powerful soother indeed, and the most destructive as it involves the domination of others.

Some people commit suicide to get away from it. But if you do that, you will get to the other side and see that you’ve accomplished nothing in regards to solving the problem.

Maybe you have to do that so you can learn the reality of it, I hope you don’t.

This problem is old, and much is known about it in the eastern religions, particularly Buddhism. That’s pretty much what it’s all about.

Please look into that. You’ll see this is nothing new, nothing particular to you, and completely solvable.

See, you even displayed out of control thinking mind on your post, turning ‘you’re on your own’ (in regards to help with suicide), to ‘you’re on your own’ (implying in regards to everything).

You’re thinking mind is doing that to you. Lying and you believe it to some degree.

That’s your problem. That’s everyone’s problem. This problem has been completely figured out and overcome, and there are people who can teach you how to do that too.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Jack 5/11/2020 - 10:54 am

Yes, we are fooled from childhood, school until adulthood to use our thinking mind believing that we need it to be good people for society until we wake up one day and see what fools we were and we let go of it.

15andfuckedup 5/11/2020 - 2:12 pm

before i forget about the religion thing, i guess ive to tell you that im from the east only and the religion that my family practices is almost like buddhism (it basically has the same ideology about nirvana, karma and all that. btw im from india, so i guess that clears much of it)
and no, ive asked it but it wasn’t given to me
ive knocked the doors of “friends” , family and internet but everything just keeps getting more and more difficult and tangled to understand.
and if this help is in reference to god, then i had faith in god till 12 or 13, i think. but then how was i supposed to worship someone or something who/which does not exist. my mom still wants me to engage in religious activities but i simply don’t give a shit about that. sorry if that was rude.
the other side? idk what that means but what i think is that wherever i go after death is going to be peaceful, and thats basically everything i want. you think that i wouldn’t have accomplished anything regarding solving the problem. you must be kidding, right? i would basically eliminate the fucking problem without even having to worry about if the solution i wrote was right or not.
lastly, ty for trying to help me.

Jack 5/11/2020 - 3:19 pm

Do you live in India?

15andfuckedup 5/11/2020 - 3:40 pm


mountaingoat 5/12/2020 - 2:36 am

I assumed you were from a western culture, likely the USA. Seems like most people online are.

I am a Canadian, BTW.

I must admit I know very little about life in India, I imagine it must be very hard for a lot of you there. We see pictures of shanty towns and hear of mass poverty and crazy rape crimes.

As for religion, over here Christianity is dominant. It is an excellent religion, however, must people who profess to practice it seem to have no idea what it’s about and make a fool out of it. This goes for much of the laity as well as much of the clergy.

Right thinking people on the outside of it see all these idiots babbling about nonsense and acting offensively and then think that’s the religion, so they reject it.

But what they are rejecting is a misrepresentation.

Maybe it’s the same where you are.

15andfuckedup 5/12/2020 - 3:42 am

idk if theres ‘a’ misrepresentation or if the concept of religion is just not true. because like there are people who have such faith in god that they make it the purpose of their living. i mean just by saying that they’ve faith in god, what does that imply? faith in what, something that doesn’t exist, someone that no one has seen. what is god about? answer that for me pls.
and i didn’t mean to get offended but somehow i got. yeah there are a lot of problems in my country but we’re just working towards solving them. and although i know u didn’t mean it like that but just don’t relate the fact of me being indian or anyone being from any other place to their mental state. for some it might even be true to some extent but still don’t bring it. because yes, the societies we live in play a major role in hindering our hopes and dreams, its just different for all. and idk but i just get protective when it comes to my motherland.<3

mountaingoat 5/12/2020 - 1:27 pm

It’s impossible to answer the question ‘what is God all about’ because that answer is beyond concept.

Language requires use of the thinking mind which is based on concepts.

The thinking mind is, by it’s nature, unable to perceive or understand ultimate truth. It’s use is limited to the temporal realm we are currently experiencing.

I think that’s why the Buddha said something like ‘all statements are wrong’

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