the days just go by. i distract myself by watching a LOT of tv shows. about 12 hours of screen time a day. the routine is so fucking monotonous. i’m in need of some serious motivation. what keeps y’all going? i feel like i’m living just for the sake of it.
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There are several people whose lives are better off because I am in their lives. I say that knowing full well what goes on this head that would still prefer to be long gone several times a day.
Ironically, taking a vow has a lot to do with me staying put. The vow was “…til death do us part…” Funny because offing myself would not violate that vow. But offing myself would rupture that treasured relationship.
I ask myself every day if the benefits they get from me is worth what it costs me to stay alive. Staying alive means I keep recalling the past created by two monsters aka the parental unit. However, I believe in rewards for even the humblest acts of kindness to other human beings and being alive affords me the opportunity every day to do at least one act of kindness or even just leave a space, even a public space, in a little better condition than I found it. They and that keeps me going.
One more thing. Hope, real hope, based on real progress in lessening the effects of the old traumas. My therapist is amazing.
Give your TV / Laptop / Phone to your father for a day or two, or other family member. Or at least don’t recharge your monthly internet contract for a day or two after it reaches its time of the month.
Like, the point is, I will try to say it precisely: these electronics are eroding away the willpower threshold that you need to have accumulated in order to perform tasks that require willpower. This seems to me to be the problem with making life easier, for psychologically it gets harder for people to get things done. And this seems to be the reason why it gets hard to do even basic tasks, for the constant satisfaction of your willpower (in the form of entertainment) erodes even the pleasure of just being, reducing it to literally monotonous pain.
Paradoxically, by avoiding the pains of life through immersion in gratification, doesn’t make life less painful; all the contrary, it tames us, eroding our resistance to pain, through an overstimulation of pleasure.
I’ll say something big:
As society stands right now, widely believing that the highest possible pursuit in life is pleasure; then injecting vast quantities of dopamine straight into the brain of every human being, would seem like the most desirable way of life for every human. HOWEVER, such a being would acquire such an incredibly high tolerance of dopamine, that I guess for it even breathing would feel tiring and monotonous!!!
An academic called Piers Steel actually found a formula for motivation:
Motivation = Expectancy x Value / (Impulsiveness x Delay)
Expectancy is how much you fancy your chances of achieving your goal
Value is how much value achieving the goal would bring you
Impulsiveness is a trait that varies from person to person. How impulsive are you?
Delay is how far into the future the finish line for achieving your goal is
I highly recommend this interview with him:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXFqqAI9zj8
Love and the hope for a better future keep me here
Forget all the same bs… when YOU get tired of what YOUR doing decide to CHANGE IT or don’t. Ask yourself genuinely, do i want to be badass right now or do i need a break. THERE IS NO WRONG ANSWER… whatever you feel it’s ok just look at yourself and say is this going to help me or hurt me and am i really ok with that, AGAIN THERE IS NO WRONG ANSWER YOU HAVE TO DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT.