i’m here after two months. feeling slightly better as my second year of uni commenced a week back and i became a part of a pretty good research club. i’m here to talk about fond memories and clinging on to them. this post is mainly about a friend i made in grade 10, four years back. if you’re ever here, N, i hope you come across this.
she transferred from an all girls school to a co-ed school (mine) in 2016. i was one of her first friends. turns out she lived literally two fucking minutes from my house. we bonded pretty well and got close in a month or two i guess. close enough to the point where she was the last person i met before going on a holiday and the first person i met after coming back. didn’t have a crush on her though, moreover she wasn’t interested in dating.
something about her general attitude towards things spiked an interest in me. more on this later. it felt like she had her life on track and did everything according to a schedule. i was always OVERLY sentimental about objects and places and people and probably will be so in the future.
come grade 11, and we stopped talking as much as we used to before. towards the end of grade 11, i started dating this girl. my memory of that is pretty fucking shite but N and i had some beef in grade 11 and we used to diss each other on a group chat. come grade 12 (mid 2018) and i had a terrible breakup with that girl i started dating towards the end of 2017.
i got over my breakup a year back (my weak ass took a wholeass year to get over a 8 months’ heavily toxic relationship). i still haven’t gotten over the friends i lost during high school (grade 10,11 and 12). surprisingly (or to no one’s surprise), they’re all girls. i’m tight and always have been pretty tight with guy friends, never had beef with them and i’m friends with some guys from fucking 2011. anyway so my ex spread some bs all over the school post breakup saying how i “forced” her into things etc. and people bought it (including N). but the ones who really knew me got my back.
i tried a lot to talk to N about it but she wasn’t having it. this was somewhere in the end of 2018. i contacted N again mid-2019, she openly said that she cut off a LOT of people from high school and had only a tiny but close group of friends and she isn’t gonna change that. she said she only wanted people in her life who would help her grow in a positive manner and away from all drama. soon, she unfollowed me on instagram. my dumbass contacted her again on snapchat (Jan 2020).
“hey, i’m going back to uni soon, here for a few days more. would you like to meet up for old times’ sake?”
got left on read.
my desperate fucking ass sent her a follow request on instagram a day back, she accepted but didn’t follow back.
yeah, i’m clingy, i’m fucking emotional (unlikely qualities to be seen in a guy, maybe?)
i genuinely don’t know where i fucked up, but i know i did. i do NOT want to beat myself up over a four year old friendship that ended sourly. maybe i’m the toxic one as i’ve lost over two close girl-friends, notice the hyphen.
i don’t want any “motivational quotes” or “don’t focus on the past” or “focus on the friends you have currently and cherish the time spent with them” or yada yada fucking yada, i could look up motivational shit on google too.
instead, tell me what YOU would do if you were in my situation. i genuinely miss her but i’ve accepted the fact that she’s not coming back. i have a pretty tight group of friends, all from high school though. i HATE my uni life and most of the people there (don’t judge).
if you’ve read this whole rant, ily.