I have thought about not existing as long as i have been alive. My very first memory is of doing something to upset my sister and mom. They were my entire world. I hurt them. I thought i am a bad little girl. Don’t remember what i did but i know i did it on purpose. My punishment was being sent to my room. I thought to myself i wanted to die but i took it further. I did not want to die and go to hell cuz pain. Or die and go to heaven cuz not worthy. I just wanted to not exist, like ever. Then i could never disappoint my sister or mom. I did not want to die and have them miss me. I figured if God could create a universe, he could zap me out of existence, like on my cartoons and buck rogers and star wars.
that idea has come back to me time and time and time again. After puberty, around 11yrs old, it was really bad. At least once a week and depending on my menstrual cycle, several times a day for 3 or 4 times a day. I had school and college buddies that were depressed. We ALL thought about suicide and different methods on the regular. We never once attempted. Well not directly. We did have very poor eating habits and were not exactly careful when we went out. Cuz when you don’t care if you live…
so every counselor, doctor, therapist, etc. asks if you have had suicidal thoughts. We ALL lie. Cuz we have them all the time. It’s constant. They pop up out of nowhere. One of my many goals on my “to get better” list is to go one week without thinking about suicide or fantasizing about being murdered by a mass shooter (i work in a public place.) or thinking of ways to make a suicide look like an accident so nobody blames themselves (plus life insurance will pay out!). Just one frikking week!
But i truly feel (so did my school buddies) that the doctors will try to put me on extreme drugs or lock me up on suicide watch if i admit to this. I really believe that if counselors started by saying “thinking about dying or not wanting to exist or suicide fantasies are normal.” more depressed folks would be honest in therapy. And a lot less suicides.
Thanks for this website!
Social media and themighty.com get all up in arms and think a person is about to drive into a tree when they say stuff like “today i imagined how i could drown myself but make it look like an accident.” Over 35 years i have had these thoughts, Seriously never once actually attempted to do anything i imagined.
I am almost 45 years old. I am tired. I wish i could talk about what I really feel instead of being vague. Truly though i wish i just never existed. Or… i was a lot dumber. Then maybe i would not realize how inadequate of a human i am.
I really did not think i’d live this long still feeling this way. Sigh.
This lady talks about it. Apparently there is a name for it. https://natashatracy.com/bipolar-disorder/passive-suicidal-depression-didnt-wake/