Building Walls

I’m feeling less suicidal recently, I guess that’s a good thing, how I got here is probably also going to be my downfall again.
Every emotion is so far away.
I’ve walled out the voices.
I have put a barrier between my anger and sadness.
I am not allowed to go there, behave like that.
That doesn’t sound so bad.
The problem is I’ve also walled off intense happiness and love.
There is a door that I shall not let my friendships pass.
That’s close enough.
I’ve put myself in a little box of safe feelings and everywhere I turn I meet a wall.
I fly around like a charged particle within these boundaries and still maintain a visage of normalcy.
Sometimes the intensity starts seeping through the cracks.
And sometimes I jump the wall and see these emotions from a safe distance.
My body knows what I should be feeling but my mind just watches from behind.
And when the dam breaks down, the flood is so great, a powerful mix of emotions that brings me back to my knees.
It’s not great but this is where I am safe from hurt. From hurting others. From hurting myself.
I’m in my box and here I will stay.
It’s dangerous out there.