It has been a while since my last post. I always seem to come back though. I have always used posting here as a way to let the sadness out and put it somewhere. I have carried my pain and sadness with shame for years like it doesn’t belong here and it’s embarrassing. I want to push it away somewhere and not think about it for a while. If I have a panic attack, the tears don’t stop and the emotions I have pushed down come exploding out. Yet, I do not want anyone to see me like this. I do not want to tell the person I live with because they wouldn’t understand. I just want to hide or disappear for a while, I do not want them to see the pain I am in. It just feels like the same old boring story with me. I am ashamed and too hard on myself, sure.. but I am also done feeling stuck on the same bad ride. That being said, I also hold myself back and put everyone else first. I am not OK and I am not sure if I will ever be. I am stuck in a situation that feels like my choice. I am a pathetic adult.
I stay in my current situation for all the wrong reasons. I am done guilt-tripping myself into thinking I owe them something. When I first joined this site years ago, I was an emotionally broken teenager trying to cope with not only my living situation with my mother but a bad break up with someone I still love and trying to get through high school. I think people underestimate people at such a young age for thinking they are in love or that they do not know what love is. I felt that I loved (and still love) them and us breaking up hurt. I wish I could tell them that I still love them. I wish I was still with them. I think one of my biggest regrets is not trying again with them a few years ago. I feel like maybe I am setting my expectations too high or something. I know I deserve to feel happiness and love in my life as guilty or selfish as I think that sounds, it is true. I want to be anywhere but here and yet I have stayed in it for so long because I settled. I hope that soon enough I am no longer in my current situation. I hate myself for not doing what I need to do for myself yet and be on my own. I need someone who puts the same love, time, and energy into a relationship as I do. I have held myself back for so long because I know what’s ahead is scary. I know it will be tough but I think I will be much happier once I put this part of my life behind me. I am exhausted pretending that I am at all content with what I have in my life. I have this plan that once I am done with college then my current situation can change because less of my life is up in the air. I just do not want to waste so much time I let what I still want in my life slip by. I am done worrying about someone I resent putting first.
I am done feeling so sad and angry about where I am in my life right now. I have pushed myself up a hill alone. I am not close with family, I am isolated from a lot of my friends, I have gone through some of the toughest of times alone. I want a relationship where I feel loved and like what I go through matters. I am not going to keep ignoring how I am feeling just because it is easy. I do not want to hide my panic attacks or my bad days from someone I love. I want to know someone is going to be there for me just like I will be there for them. I want to be loved. I need to feel like there is someone in my life who cares enough to see all of the ugliness. I am done screaming and crying alone. I need someone in my life who can love all of me, not just parts. I have not loved anyone as much as I loved him.
I am broken and disgusted with myself. Forget all the pain and regrets I have, I am drowning and I can’t breathe. I need some air soon or what I am fighting for may not be worth it down the road, I wish I felt supported and like there was somewhere I could turn to. I suppose I am holding my expectations of what could change or what could happen down the road to high. I am broken and pathetic. I am hurting and I want the pain to go away. I want to get out of my own skin. I wish I could stop breaking and put myself back together. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up, I am done feeling broken and unfixable.