The thing is, I don’t know how to tolerate feeling like this. The sheer fucking loneliness of it. The self-hatred. The shame. The despair. The regret.
I keep telling myself in my mind ‘you’ve got to find some way to cope with this.’ But I have no clue. My mind is constantly tearing itself apart, looking for a solution. But there is no solution. I have irretrievably fucked my life up. There’s no removing this stain. No making it right. No way to make myself acceptable to others. So I will always be alone.
I don’t know how to accept that reality. How to live with it. It drains all possible meaning from the world. So I desperately fantasize over some way to break through those logical constrictions, hurting myself even more each time the reality is made clear.
And yet I feel like I should somehow be able to cope with this experience, to function and give the appearance of normalcy. To get through each day without wanting to curl up in a ball and cry. To avoid passing my despair onto family members who don’t deserve it, I should find some way to live with this. I just haven’t got a clue what that might be – it seems unbearable. How can you be this endlessly alone and not go insane?