Can’t take the insane pain and anxiety

Hey, I actually found your post because I also have Lyme and was looking up ways to kill myself online. I have been deeply depressed for some time but was pushed to this point because I recently realized my parents only bred out of obligation and never actually loved or cared about me.
I signed up because I really saw myself in your post. I also used to be so full of energy, used to do so many things every day, but now my life is ruined thanks to this disease. I can’t help but resent the way my every day is now defined by pain and previously unimaginable misery. I’ve also tried cutting my throat with a knife but my survival instinct kicks in as soon as the blade touches my skin.
But in a way by seeing your post, and feeling very strongly “I want this person to still try living and getting better”, you make me feel like I should try living and getting better too. The way this disease has destroyed our lives is utterly twisted and unfair, and it’s easy to resent other people for how carefree their lives are in comparison. But maybe it’s worthwhile to try making the best of our current situations and putting our previous lives behind us. There are also cheaper, more direct things you can try doing to help yourself. Modern medicine has not been able to help me much either, but in my case, I experimentally started taking CBD, gradually building myself up to taking 40mg a day, and it has helped with the pain enough that now I can sleep peacefully instead of trying desperately to squeeze an hour or two out of every night.
Maybe we will both end up killing ourselves someday. Maybe not. But for me it won’t be today after all…