Mountains Be My Resting Place

I’m not sure what to do, I just want to die.

I’m being kicked out from the last family I have left. I escaped a four year, extremely abusive relationship, and begged to the last blood relatives I have for shelter. It’s been nearly a year since February, and they’ve decided I don’t “fit in with the family” and am “not getting better,” so they want me out. I have no health insurance, I’m on disability for major depression, BPD, and a myriad of physical health problems. I’m not able to navigate Medicare or anything, I honestly just have panic attacks when trying to do anything to help myself. I’ve been depressed for nearly two decades and the little help I did get when I was on my parents insurance, wasn’t helpful because I didn’t get my true diagnoses until the end (when I hit 26, but my father changed all the info when I was 25 to try to force me to talk to him, I can’t have my abusive parents in my life.)

I don’t have any real-life friends, I know a few people online but they aren’t anyone in positions to help me in a significant way. I know the obvious answer “get a job” but I’m on disability because I can’t function and have nothing to help me. I’m sad and angry all the time, I have conditions in my feet that make it difficult to walk, it’s really hard just to remember to shower, let alone all the other things I’m supposed to do to stay alive.

Everyday is a battle against myself, to walk into the snowy mountains to get it over with, or keep going so my cat can keep being loved and cared for. He’s the only thing that kept me alive through the years of the abusive relationship. I fostered him from the shelter when I discovered he had ringworm and kept him cause he was so awfully shy. Like then, I still believe it would be hard to find a new home for him. I’ve tried many times to write up his description, to find him a home so I could finally die. But I can never do it. He’s my only reason for living, and this “family” has threatened to get rid of him because of his hair. I already had to give back the other cat I had because they said I could only bring one. So I hope you can see why I got very angry with them, I got snarky. But I guess that’s enough of a reason to want me on the street rather than in their home. Such a lovely Mormon family, great values.

So that’s my predicament. I have no one to help me, I can’t even help myself. Before I even thought to move in with them, I had given up, decided being homeless would be better than being beaten and raped all the time. I had plans to find something to OD on, I stayed with him that long because I preferred being violated by someone I knew, rather than a stranger. Now I’m at that same point that my family has put me at so many times, I’m no longer welcome because I don’t fit in. I’m not even disappointed about it, I was so not surprised by the announcement. To me, it was just a matter of time. But now with nowhere else to run, very little money and a cat that deserves a warm home, I’m at a loss of what to do. I think maybe it is for the best to finally find him a new home and take that final stroll into the mountains.