Selfishness

“Don’t ever do this to yourself” is what I would originally say, but that would be extremely hypocritical of me. I don’t want to tell you what to do or say anything misleading so I will tell you about my life, what I do and why. Quarantine has been a pain in the butt and I have done a lot of things in it. One of the things that I can’t escape is is my family. They are constantly at my mom’s(where I live) which I’m not complaining about but sometimes it can be a little too much. A while ago it was my birthday and I was super excited and so was my mother. That was until I was forced into a dress by my brother’s wife. “You’ll look so good in it come on” like wtf no. Yeah..no. stop. Until she said”this would make your mom so happy, she’s been really having a tough day and all yk” dang it. Of course I did it. Anything for my mom. I wore the dress that made me hate my body, that made me uncomfortable in my body. I walked into a party feeling disgusting with cameras flashing everywhere trying to hold in my tears. I was forced to do things that were very normal party things that I didn’t want to be doing. Why? Why didn’t I want to be doing these things? I felt disgusting. I hated the way I looked. I couldn’t help it. So after a while, I left. I slipped out of my own party and ran for it. I cried in the restroom for about 15 minutes. Ran to my room to quickly change out of my dress and into the outfit that I planned on wearing earlier. I went outside and into the backseat of my sisters car. I couldn’t go anywhere. I don’t have a license or the guts to runaway. I wish I had though. Then and there I felt like running really far away. So far to where I couldn’t feel like there were expectations to be met or judgements being passed around. “Oh but this- No not that- I don’t think you should do that- But it looks so nice- No you have to-” I stayed in the car for a while before returning back to the party. I leant so many things that day. Firstly, if I don’t wanna do something, I’m not going to do it. It is my life and I should live it how I want. I should have never worn that dress to please other people(I still love my mom tho). Imagine how good things would’ve gone if I hadn’t worn the dress that I did. I’m not gonna sit here looking at my pictures and cry about how disgusting and sad I felt. I’m gonna self reflect and think about how I was one stupid mf. How dare people make me do the shit that I don’t wanna do. Imma do things how I wanna do them. Also, I don’t care if it’s my family, I have boundries and they need to respect that. “Why are you always in your room” You wanna know what I doing in my room? I am watching videos, and am playing games, I am talking to the only friend that truly understands me, I am talking to myself, I am self reflecting. I don’t look in the past and think “well shit, I messed up, I need to die.” Oh honey no. I think “oh hell no we need to change that about ourselves” and “this person wants to treat me like that? Ok your cut off, buddy” If there is one thing that I have learnt from experience is that I do the shit that I wanna do, not what people want me to do. Someone got expectations? Oh that sucks. Someone don’t like what I do? How I look? Oh that sucks. You were born to live your life, not somebody else’s. So, suicide. I’m not telling you what you should or shouldn’t do, but for any important decision making like this you really need to ask yourself things. Why am I doing this? Is it because of someone else? Is there anything I can do? Is this really what I want to do? Is there nothing else in life for me to do? Am I sure I want to die before I go to college, before marriage, before getting so drunk that I puke everywhere, before traveling the world, before getting so high that I confess my love to ice cream? Am I really ready to let go? And if so, am I completely okay with the fact that people are going to hurt because of me? I know this defeats the whole purpose of doing what you want but I’m human. I don’t know about you but I hate it when I see the people I love, hurt. So with you. You do things because you want to keep them happy? Sometimes people hate to see other people hurt and maybe that’s the case with your family too. Maybe you should confront them about it. “I know you want to see me and talk to me often but I need some alone time. It hurts me to be selfish so instead I suffer to make you happy and it’sbeen very exhausting. I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up.”