I wish I knew how to ever be proud of anything I’ve done. I woke up this morning thinking about every place I’ve missed the mark on my goals;
the kind of family I wanted to have
the person I wanted to marry
the degrees I wanted to get
the place I wanted to live
Now here’s the weird thing; I have other things to fill those slots. On paper, it should be lovely. Yet, my heart aches in the suspicion that I will never see satisfaction in this life.
It isn’t so much that not existing would be better, given that I wouldn’t experience it. The thing I wish I knew how to do was offline my personality, memories and hungers for long enough to hunt down the flaws. I’m constantly surrounded by people who tell me I make a difference, what do they see? Not what I see, a middle aged guy who talked a big game, but in reality was far less than anyone ever believed.
I’m so angry and frustrated either that this is the best I can do, or that my faking it and halfway doing is considered amazing by others. No one ever asks for more, and I’ve been looking for just such a person. I get praised for being sympathetic to people who have lost anything, but it seems so simple when for my entire life what I desire has been held out of reach. Sometimes I just want to shoot up some illicit substance…. it seems to do something for some people that I have been searching my whole life for such gratification.