everything and nothing

he gave me everything and nothing all at the same time.  i was absolutely convinced that i was in love with him, that he was the only one who could ever truly be with me.  because he told me so.  he told me that he was the only person who could ever possibly understand someone like me, the only person who could truly make me happy.  it was a falsity, to say the least.   a sham.  i bled for him.  i destroyed myself for him.  i gave him every ounce of life that i had left in me until i was running on empty.  and even still, i fell further and further into his grasp.  no matter how much he tightened his grip, no matter how hard it was for me to breathe, i believed that this pain was love.  he told me it was love.  i had no choice but to believe him.  he claimed to love me, but then he would threaten to hurt my family and do horrible, unspeakable things.  the blackmail taught me to sit, stay, and lay down.  i learned to obey out of habit, the threats only escalated the more i challenged him, therefore i learned to keep quiet.  i learned to be subservient.  to submit.  the fear he instilled in me was part of the mind-control.  the manipulation.  the brainwashing.  i bled so much for him, tore open my own flesh and kept my mouth shut.  nobody can know.  nobody can know.  he was one that would break my legs and then force me to walk.  the one that would gouge out my eyes and force me to see.  the one that would tear out my lungs and then force me to breathe.  yet, i continue to grieve.  a part of me screams into the void, begging for him to come back, to love me and only me.  but, i was the one who left and ran as far as i could.  why do i miss the very thing that destroyed me?

“Your life is loaned to you through an abuser. It is on his or her whim that you thrive, struggle, hope, and fear. In abuse, you can endure a thousand losses for a single, shimmering penny that proves you’ve won something.” – Amanda Domuracki