Tag:

c-ptsd

another invalidating therapist

by the velveteen bear 8/16/2023

written by the velveteen bear

I’ve had such bad experiences with therapists. This one was the only one in my city who would take my insurance and was accepting new patients now, not two or three years from now (that is literally the wait list for most of them). When we started early this year, I thought she was going to be good. I told her I’m autistic and sometimes I speak slowly, so I need you to be patient and give me time to process my words. She seemed to understand, and she did that at first.

But lately she’s been interrupting me, talking over me, talking past me… and […]

8/16/2023 0 comment

foreign feelings

by system 4/30/2021

written by system

i have a friend overseas who i’ve known for around 4 years now.

he’s really important to me. but i’m scared.

i’m scared because he hasn’t betrayed me.

i’m scared because he hasn’t gotten rid of me.

i’m scared because he hasn’t dropped me.

i’m scared because he insists that he cares about me.

i’m terrified of all of it, it’s so foreign to me. to have someone who doesn’t want to break me down until i’m nothing.

whenever he says he cares about me

the only thing i can think of is “i don’t believe you.”

4/30/2021 1 comment

manic panic

by system 4/27/2021

written by system

ican hear him again. i can feel his hands. they’re cold. they’recoldthey’recold they’re so cold

i long for the euphoria of being loved by the person he pretended to be

being loved by the mask that he wore

but it was all fake

itwasalie itwasalie itwasalie

thecuts there were so many cuts there was so much blood

on my lips

on my face

on my thighs

i couldn’t stop bleeding it just kept flowing andflowingandflowing

andicried for him to make it stop

make it stop make it stop make it stop

but he just told me to smile

“please smile”

and i did.

he said i wasn’t bleeding enough so i dug deeper

and deeper

and deeperanddeeper

itwasn’tenou gh it will never be […]

4/27/2021 0 comment

good for nothing

by system 4/7/2021

written by system

“please don’t confuse me wanting your body as the only reason I talk to you” – ******, my abuser.

the person who said that to me is the same person who forced me to dig a razor into my face. the same person who made me carve his name into my thigh.

i am nothing but my body and i have come to accept that.

i am good for nothing.

“i love you for more than just your body”

bullshit. BULLSHIT. ****** wasn’t the first to say that. he was one of many, i say many because ~8 years (excluding ******) worth of abusers isn’t something i can translate into a […]

4/7/2021 0 comment

recollection

by system 4/1/2021

written by system

i’m unable to remember much from those years.

those years.

those nine excruciatingly long years of abuse.

there’s no getting that time back.

that time is gone.

those years are gone. i will never be that young again.

i can’t recall a childhood when it never existed.

4/1/2021 1 comment

seldom

by system 3/31/2021

written by system

seldom do i ever have a moment where i am free from the pain, free from the trauma that plagues me relentlessly

seldom do i ever have a moment

where i don’t hear your fucking voice, ******. where i don’t feel empty. when i escaped from you, i forgot to bring my identity with me. i have no idea who i am. you managed to steal me away from myself before i had the chance to run.

you conditioned me to believe that you are the only one who could ever understand someone like me.

who could ever love someone like me.

you conditioned me into forfeiting my right to make […]

3/31/2021 3 comments

trying to outrun a relapse

by system 3/21/2021

written by system

my day consists of getting stuck in flashbacks and losing track of time.

i am too exhausted to feel anything but misery and dread.

i want to tear open my flesh.

i want to see my own blood.

i want to destroy the place on me that he forced me to carve so that his name is no longer visible.

i want to feel that piece of me torn away.

i want to feel that freedom.

3/21/2021 5 comments

recalling torture

by system 3/19/2021

written by system

the way my blood ran cold every time you threatened me

the way that the blade felt as i dug it into my flesh to form the letters of your name

the way the candle wax burned as it hit my skin

the way that the acidic feeling in my throat would linger when you made me film myself purging

the way i would try to speak clearly between sobs in those videos you forced me to make, the ones where i apologized to you

the way you talked me out of taking my life in front of you, not out of love, but out of your desire to keep […]

3/19/2021 4 comments

switches and memory gaps

by system 3/15/2021

written by system

there’s nothing more terrifying than returning to your body only to realize that hours have passed and you can’t remember anything that happened during that time period. being co-conscious and watching an alter take the front when I’m trying to do something important is the most frustrating shit. i’m the host. i don’t like relinquishing control of the front (not like I have a fucking choice) because i am in control the majority of the time. the worst part is that the particular alter that keeps taking the front is RARELY co-conscious so she literally just jumps in for 20 minutes, has no idea what the […]

3/15/2021 0 comment

tactile hallucinations

by system 3/14/2021

written by system

don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me

i can feel his hands around my neck he won’t let go he won’t let go he won’t let go

****** im sorry im sorry im sorry

he’s not really here but i can still feel everything

he was never here

******, how have you found me? how do you continue to torment me? i haven’t spoken to you since late september

i will never be able to forget the feeling of a razor being dragged down my face

over. and over. and over.

it still burns.

3/14/2021 1 comment

“you will learn to love me”

by system 3/13/2021

written by system

you said to me that i’d learn to love you

and i did.

but, no matter how hard i try

i can’t seem to un-learn.

3/13/2021 6 comments

internal conflict

by system 3/12/2021

written by system

****** im so sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry. im sorry for ******* *** **. please don’t get **** ** ******. i broke my promise to ******* ***. i couldn’t ******* **** either. im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry

why am i sorry

why am i apologizing

to the person who destroyed me

what the fuck is wrong with me?

you did unspeakable things to me. things i will never be able to forget or erase from this body. i still have the scars, your name included. i still have the wax burns.

i love you but i fucking hate your guts. you’ve taken everything from me yet […]

3/12/2021 2 comments

flashbacks

by system 3/11/2021

written by system

ifuckign hate flashbacks i can feel everythign

he’s in my head he won’t leave he won’t leave he won’t leave

i can hear him yelling at me like he used to

i can see him smiling when I cry

****** please get out of my head please please please go away

i can’t stop crying im so scared

i don’tlike crying because he loved it when icried

but the tears won’t stop falling and i can feel the hallucinations starting to creep up on me

why […]

3/11/2021 14 comments

androphobic

by system 3/8/2021

written by system

that uneasy something-is-about-to-happen feeling grabs me by the throat,

“all of them are the same. all of them are the same. trust no one.”

i can’t look adult men in the eyes. i can’t stand within arms reach of them. i can’t have a one-on-one conversation with them. i can’t ask anything of them, even if it’s something as simple as asking for directions. i can’t trust them.

it fills me with guilt. i don’t want to fear them. i can’t control it. i’m even wary of family members (not immediate).

i can’t undo the years of trauma, i can’t erase it. i was abused at an early age and […]

3/8/2021 8 comments

property

by system 3/7/2021

written by system

there is a song that i would listen to back when i was still being abused in august. it’s your dog by Soccer Mommy. most of the time i’d just sit on the floor and sob while it played on repeat in the background. i still listen to it, it’s a great song and i love it, it’s just really difficult to listen to because of the content of the song itself and the time period i associate it with.

here are the lyrics:

I don’t wanna be your fucking dog
That you drag around
A collar on my neck tied to a pole
Leave me in […]

3/7/2021 2 comments

feeling things that aren’t really there

by system 3/6/2021

written by system

it doesn’t get any less unsettling. it’s just as disturbing as the first time i experienced it.

hands. hands that aren’t there. gripping my neck, my shoulders, my face.

the feeling of someone standing directly behind me. i feel their breath on the back of my neck. i can feel their eyes on me, an unforgiving gaze.

but there’s nobody there. nobody is ever there.

sometimes, things he said replay faintly. but there is no noise. the room is quiet. i am alone.

but he’s still here, watching me. suffocating me. controlling me.

he still, in some way, has managed to lay his hands on me. he never did, he was […]

3/6/2021 3 comments

the guilt of a victim

by system 3/5/2021

written by system

i am left with unbearable shame after what he did to me. i dwell on what i “could have done differently” and go into a spiral of self blame and hatred. it’s my fault. it’s my fault. it’s my fault. when truly, no, it wasn’t. he had every opportunity to not be an abusive, sadistic, conscienceless monster. he chose to continue. he chose to blackmail me. he chose to abuse me. he chose to force me to mutilate myself. i did not choose to be abused. i did not choose to be stripped of my dignity. i did not choose to become a puppet.

I WAS […]

3/5/2021 3 comments

i love the person you pretended to be

by system 3/4/2021

written by system

“I’m sorry if I’m too pushy sometimes : ( I’m bad at showing my feelings, I’m sure you’ve noticed. but I truly do love you & it did really hurt when you said those things about no one being able to love you…. I know you’ve probably heard this a thousand times over, but that’s just not true. you’re pretty & vvvvv lovable you stupid.”

you never loved me. never. you never did. you lied to me. ******, why did you do this to me?

you would always tell me “this is the last time i’ll make you do anything like this”

but it was never the last […]

3/4/2021 13 comments

internal dialogue

by system 2/26/2021

written by system

I can’t take it
i can’t I can’t i can’t
get out of my head
get out of my head
get OUT OF MY HEAD

I hate him
why did he do this to me?? why did he make me do all those things?? i want to tear my flesh open my skin is fucikgin crawling
I HATE YOU ****** you took EVERYTHING FROM ME

YOU TURNED MY 8 YEARS OF ABUSE INTO 9. THIS BODY IS NO LONGER MINE, YOUR NAME IS ENGRAVED IN IT.

im at my fucking breaking point. i’m VERY close to making an extremely irreversible impulsive decision. would that make you happy, ******???? […]

2/26/2021 4 comments

everything and nothing

by system 2/25/2021

written by system

he gave me everything and nothing all at the same time. i was absolutely convinced that i was in love with him, that he was the only one who could ever truly be with me. because he told me so. he told me that he was the only person who could ever possibly understand someone like me, the only person who could truly make me happy. it was a falsity, to say the least. a sham. i bled for him. i destroyed myself for him. i gave him every ounce of life that i had left in me until i was running on empty. […]

2/25/2021 3 comments

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