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intrusive thoughts [among other things]

by system

last night I had another nightmare.  i don’t know why I say this as if I don’t have them every single night.  when i wake up, i have to spend a while laying awake in bed, trying to process what i had experienced during my rest.  it’s horrifying.  these people that i try to push from my mind reappear as if my dream is their real estate.  i’ve tried medication, meditation to induce lucid dreams, i’ve done everything within my power.  it’s like some twisted possession, my thoughts are no longer in my control and the images of disturbing, horrifying things sit in front of my eyes.  closing my eyes doesn’t do any good.  it’s like a projection of an image.  and trying to think about something else only makes it worse.  all i can do is cover my head and wait for it to end.

 

feb. 8th 2021 – 1:39 am

I’m scared to sleep.  I don’t want to, but I have class tomorrow.  This is why I used to do lines of ritalin every fucking night.  to avoid sleeping.  to avoid having to experience tragedy even in my sleep.  even in my sleep; to not only be unable to save the people around me, but also be unable to save myself.   I consistently have debilitatingly terrifying nightmares about very far-off natural disasters.. almost an apocalyptic situation.  where a fire is slowly but surely burning through everything in its path, and nobody can put it out.  where our planet has been flung out of orbit and for some fucking reason that means the concept of perspective has changed (I cant explain it, but everything becomes flat instead of dimensional, including people), strangers or suddenly deranged family members/friends coming to my home and stabbing everyone in it– and every fucking time, I end up with blood on my hands.  every time.  I have to kill someone.  to protect myself.  and I hate it. because by the time the perpetrators are dead, they’ve already done their damage.  this is so clearly a reflection of my self hatred and my habit of victim blaming myself (I don’t victim blame others, I just always hyper-fixate on things like “but I could have done this” when in reality, I couldn’t have. I did what I could in those situations to get out with the least possible damage done).   I’m never free from the pain.  not when I’m awake, not when I’m asleep.  it suffocates me.

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