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feeling things that aren’t really there

by system

it doesn’t get any less unsettling.  it’s just as disturbing as the first time i experienced it.

hands.  hands that aren’t there.  gripping my neck, my shoulders, my face.

the feeling of someone standing directly behind me.  i feel their breath on the back of my neck.  i can feel their eyes on me, an unforgiving gaze.

but there’s nobody there.  nobody is ever there.

sometimes, things he said replay faintly.  but there is no noise.  the room is quiet.  i am alone.

but he’s still here, watching me.  suffocating me.  controlling me.

he still, in some way, has managed to lay his hands on me.  he never did, he was too far away.  but he still exists in my mind as i live in perpetual fear of him coming for me.  my hallucinations now mimic what i fear the most.  i am tormented by things that aren’t really there.

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3 comments

Jhecev 3/7/2021 - 10:49 am

You remind me of myself

system 3/8/2021 - 12:46 am

how so? I’m curious to hear

Once 3/7/2021 - 12:26 pm

This must be extremely difficult to process, not knowing what is real and what is tragic memory. If there’s a positive, maybe it’s that you can always tell yourself each time you experience the Phantom feelings is that that’s all it was. With time, the ability to recognize and define them might become easier, with repetition.

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