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i love the person you pretended to be

by system

“I’m sorry if I’m too pushy sometimes : ( I’m bad at showing my feelings, I’m sure you’ve noticed. but I truly do love you & it did really hurt when you said those things about no one being able to love you…. I know you’ve probably heard this a thousand times over, but that’s just not true. you’re pretty & vvvvv lovable you stupid.”

you never loved me.  never.  you never did.  you lied to me.  ******, why did you do this to me?

you would always tell me “this is the last time i’ll make you do anything like this”

but it was never the last time, was it?  it was never the last carving, never the last burn, it was never the last time.

i hate you. i hate you i hate you i hate you.

fuck you, ******.  i love you, but a version of you that doesn’t exist.  i love the person you pretended to be.

i am the burden of this household.  the post-traumatic, dysfunctional, irritable, dissociative, depressing burden of my family.

“Ours were false relationships from the very beginning in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.”

– Donna Anderson, LoveFraud

13 comments
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13 comments

ungrateful_bastard 3/5/2021 - 5:27 pm

I’m sorry this is just too ironic/
Can I just ask – do you see/hang out with the person you’re talking about / like in person

system 3/5/2021 - 9:58 pm

I literally don’t know where he lives or anything about him. he blackmailed me, manipulated me, brainwashed me, and abused me. he treated me like a slave.

I’ve been trying my best to be polite with your questions but at this point they’re just getting really insensitive and my patience is running really thin. Yes, it’s ironic. Do you understand how Stockholm syndrome works?

ungrateful_bastard 3/5/2021 - 11:24 pm

Charger cord implants?

system 3/5/2021 - 11:28 pm

…really? that’s seriously all you took away from that?
are you just not going to acknowledge anything else that was said?

ungrateful_bastard 3/5/2021 - 11:32 pm

I was just curious because you tagged psychopath- and I wondered if you were very afraid of the man’s return.
When something traumatic and scary happens to people, it sticks. When it’s carved in your memory, it’s as if you’re blindfolded… And sizing up the threat of a pathetic man who cannot touch you because he isn’t powerful enough… Am I okay here or am I stepping over boundaries with you. I didn’t mean ironic in your case, just like, eureka etc I’m sorry.

system 3/5/2021 - 11:37 pm

I have said this to you before. My abuser is a clinical psychopath. He is a violent criminal. You are absolutely overstepping boundaries and the way in which you are communicating is extremely insensitive. You want to know why he couldn’t physically get to me? Because he doesn’t live near me. That doesn’t make him any less powerful. Traumatic and scary, right. That’s an understatement. I was forced to pour hot wax on myself, cut my face open with a razor, carve his name into my flesh, the list goes on. I can’t really put into words how angry the way you have approached this has made me, but I’ve honestly lost my patience.

ungrateful_bastard 3/5/2021 - 11:40 pm

Imagine taking a stroll through a dark forest… You’re alone, and vulnerable, no pepper spray etc… you hear a branch break. What is the threat? Is it Ted Bundy? Is it a frightened animal? I certainly wouldn’t assume it to be a baby doe…

Trauma sticks with people and it feels like a frightening walk through the dark. Your past unfolds in front of you with almost every innocent thing that catches your eye. Psychotherapy is relieving when unspeakable trauma happens remains locked away. You just seem so miserable idk

ungrateful_bastard 3/5/2021 - 11:42 pm

I am sorry, I will pull back. Sorry I couldn’t help.

system 3/5/2021 - 11:47 pm

I beg your fucking pardon? Why would you put that image in my head and why do you feel the need to point out that I seem miserable? Yeah, I’m fucking miserable. I’m not even an adult, yet I have 9 years of fucking abuse to carry around. 9 years. NINE. I have been going to therapy since I was 10. Why are you telling me how trauma works? Trauma is the only thing I know. Don’t try and tell me what it feels like, I already fucking know because I live with it every single day. I don’t know who you think you are coming onto my posts and spouting toxic hypotheticals like that, but I’m going to ask you not to comment on any of my stuff anymore. I can’t deal with you.

pa47385 3/5/2021 - 10:02 pm

it’s still the same person. the same person who you think wants to be with their enemy. the person to who you sent the hint about the charger cord implants. the same kid, who was wrecked by a manipulative internet psychopath child predator.

if you click the username on this post, under the title, you can scroll through all the posts to the beginning of this journal. if you open the posts there are some more details sometimes buried there.

you did this more than once, assumed that people miss the people they left behind, and that they want them back, even though it’s easy to understand from the content of the posts that it’s far from being that simple and that those people find it hard to deal with their past and lose hope for the future.

your posts might have not fitted the rules of this site, but i appreciated them. your recipe for happiness is quite nice, chasing butterflies, running with the wolves, living day by day. it does kinda seem better than workaholism or alcoholism, or asking yourself every day “what’s the point, why do i bother”

you can still appreciate the beauty of the world, don’t let this site poison you with our sadness

system 3/5/2021 - 10:13 pm

thank you for this, hearing that someone understands is really uplifting.

blue_dude15 3/5/2021 - 11:44 pm

Manipulation is disgusting. My parents manipulate me and it`s so tiring because I can`t get away. I hate them but at the same time I feel responsible for their happiness and the need to please them. Its horrible. I know our situations aren`t the same, but I can kind-of relate

system 3/6/2021 - 1:53 am

Manipulation is manipulation, no matter what kind. It’s comforting to have someone else relate, no matter how different the situation may be.

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