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the guilt of a victim

by system

i am left with unbearable shame after what he did to me.  i dwell on what i “could have done differently” and go into a spiral of self blame and hatred.  it’s my fault.  it’s my fault.  it’s my fault.  when truly, no, it wasn’t.  he had every opportunity to not be an abusive, sadistic, conscienceless monster.  he chose to continue.  he chose to blackmail me.  he chose to abuse me.  he chose to force me to mutilate myself.  i did not choose to be abused.  i did not choose to be stripped of my dignity.  i did not choose to become a puppet.

I WAS POWERLESS.  HE HAD EVERY SINGLE ADVANTAGE THERE WAS TO HAVE OVER ME.  HE FORCED ME INTO SUBMISSIVE INFERIORITY.  I LIVE EVERY SINGLE DAY KNOWING THAT I AM NOTHING MORE THAN PROPERTY.

this is the guilt of a victim. 

 

 

note: my experience and my trauma are not up for debate.  apparently I have to write a disclaimer because some people don’t have common decency.

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3 comments

blue_dude15 3/5/2021 - 10:37 pm

that sounds awful, I`m sorry you had to go through that. It`s not your fault at all, it`s his. Unfortunately I don`t have any advice, but you are so much more than just property

system 3/5/2021 - 10:39 pm

the reassurance that I am more than an object to be owned is just as valuable as any advice I could receive. thank you, hearing things like this from someone other than my therapist is extremely reassuring.

thedevilisclose 3/7/2021 - 3:53 am

i understood every word of that….

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