I think so much. It’s pretty much the only thing I do. All day I’m just constantly arguing with myself. Having a conversation with someone who will disappear in maybe a couple of hours and then come back months later saying “I told you so”. Or the other way around in a shorter time period. I have come to some conclusions.
I can’t help myself but no one else can either. For months, or maybe even years, I have been really delusional, because I’ve always had an inferiority complex. That’s probably my biggest issue. My inferiority complex is like the source of every single problem that I have. I don’t know how to get rid of it. It’s a part of my identity at this point. I don’t know how I developed it. Maybe because I was bullied, and outcasted, then later on became really popular although I always preferred hanging out with “nerds” and “outcasts” over “popular kids”, because the “popular kids” reminded me of my bullies. Then, I became an outcast again. Around September last year. And I had already been isolating myself before covid because I couldn’t handle the amount of pressure I had with school work and relationships and whatever. I had a lot of pressure towards like, having a girlfriend and everyone thought I was weird because I didn’t want one. I know, and I knew, that I wasn’t nearly mature enough to be in a relationship but still, I was considered weird for not being in any because I was funny, smart, and athletic. One year ago, that is. I’m not sure what I am now. Fading away, I guess. It’s not that bad. In February and March I didn’t even have the energy to get out of bed and harm myself. But I do now. I go from being “productive” for maybe three hours after I get out of bed to feeling like shit for the rest of the day now. Which reminds me I have to take my medication, I’ll do that after I publish this. There was a girl, actually two that liked me, and I thought both were cute I guess. But I was afraid. That I would fuck up. And well, I did fuck up, but not with any of those two. Anyway, I’ve always felt inferior to everyone around me and I’ve always had low self esteem, and lots of anxiety… mainly just social anxiety, but I managed to deal with my social anxiety by hiding my true self. I stopped having the energy to do that, I think I’ve already said this in a previous post, and I’m talking about something completely different than the title of this thing again, I always just ramble on about stuff on these posts. I don’t care. Actually, I do. I don’t know. I feel bad though. That’s why I’m here. I’m just trying to make sense of all of this stuff that’s going on inside my head, and maybe outside too. I walked barefoot outside for an hour today then I started cleaning my pool but I only got half way done before I decided that I didn’t want to do anything else today. At all. Then I made some food for myself and I went ahead and stayed in my bed for the rest of the day, except for getting up to eat dinner and I guess I talked to my brothers for some time. I don’t know how long, I don’t keep track of the time I spend with them. I’m supposed to be reading a book but I can’t bring myself to do it for some reason. I borrowed it from a library too, so I probably have to turn it back in before I finish it, just like the last book I borrowed. which I turned in on March 23. I thought that would be the last time I went to the library, ever. It’s weird now, because I remember how absolutely certain I was that I wouldn’t be alive after March 25. For a week after, I convinced myself that I wasn’t actually living, and sometimes even right now I feel like I’m in a coma. Because someone is telling me to wake up. Crying. Someone misses me, and that person that misses me, I don’t know who it is. Maybe it’s me? Maybe I miss myself? There’s too much. There’s too much. There’s way too much. I don’t know what I think. I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know. I just… I made a promise that I wouldn’t kill myself so I have to keep that promise. Even though every time I wake up the first thing I want to do, every time I fall asleep the only thing I feel, the only thing I want, is to slice my throat, to repeatedly stab myself in the stomach. To slash my legs all over. Even though I know… I know. I know I know I know I know that… I shouldn’t do it. I don’t want to, and I can’t even, because all the knives I have are dull. I have to “saw my skin”, and even then, I barely feel the pain but the noise makes me so uncomfortable. I love hurting myself though. And I don’t even understand why. Why do I love this? Why do I love hating myself? Why do I hate myself so much in the first place? Please don’t go there.
I have a lot of reasons to hate myself actually. I don’t even know where to begin. I’ll start of with how lazy I am. How lazy I have always been. I have probably never worked hard in my entire life. Because I’d rather just have fun. Some people think it’s fun to work hard, and that’s cool, but I hate it. Hate it hate it hate it. Why do I have to endure pain for someone that I don’t even care about? Why? And then:
Why don’t I care? I criticize other people for not caring, I criticize myself too, but what do I do? I just lie down in my bed. It’s not fun. And most of the time, I don’t feel anything at all. Nothing. How can you even describe that feeling to someone who has never felt it? Nothing. Void. Not empty. Not full. Not happy, not sad, not anything, just no emotions at all. Sometimes I’m sad. Sometimes I’m angry. Sometimes I wouldn’t say I’m happy, because I’m not, but it’s similar. I don’t enjoy anything though. I don’t think anything is fun to do, I just do things. For no reason. It’s just impulses. Who knows if they are positive or negative? I only act on the “positive” ones, but what if I acted on the “negative” ones too? Would that be good or bad? Would I feel better or worse? Isn’t rejecting my impulses just suppressing myself? Which is what I always do? Because of my inferiority complex? So if I stop suppressing myself entirely. Would that really be bad? I mean. I barely have any self control anyway. I just do what I feel like doing during the moment. Right now I want to write this down for example. So that I can read it later. When I’m better or worse. Does it really matter? Is good really good and bad really bad? It’s just that way because someone else told me it is that way, so Should I always rely on what someone else told me? Should I really restrict myself to only doing what I’m allowed to do? Is that really what I want? For some time now, I’ve wanted to get loose. I’m already in the moment. There is nowhere else for me to be. Except the past maybe. I had a thought,
“The world moves so fast, while I’m still living in the past.”
I thought it was a nice beautiful thought. Just like when I was outside today. It felt so real. It was green everywhere, the flowers were blooming, I could hear the birds singing, I could feel the ground with ny bare feet, I couls feel the rain on my head, the pain when I stepped on a stone, the softness of the ground that had become wet by the rain. It was so perfect. I really thought that it was the most beautiful thing that I had ever experienced. And the only reason I got to experience it was that I decided to go outside barefoot and walk around in just nature. Sure, I could still hear the cars on the highway… the train passing by… but whatever man. I was just in the moment, and I loved that moment. I almost wish it could be like that all the time, but I know that I’d get bored pretty quick. But I think it was the first time in my life that my surroundings had felt so vivid. It’s almost sad I didn’t bring my phone to take pictures, but I know that even if I did I wouldn’t take any pictures anyway because it’s not something that a picture can describe. You can’t hear anhthing through a picture. And a video is even worse. Because then it’s not voluntary. It’s not the authentic experience. The only way to have the authentic experience is to be there, in the moment, and just enjoy yourself, and that’s not something that anyone could transmit over the internet. Maybe, just maybe, if VR becomes more advanced in the future, but even if you can stimulate all five senses virtually, it’s not the same as in real life because there are a lot more than just five senses. balance is a sense, and being able to know your own size is a sense. That’s what I’ve been taught in Biology Class, at least. It’s almost magic. How we can feel things. Because there are so many things that we still don’t know about our brains even. There are still so many things left to be discovered. Like, we think we know a lot, but in reality we know almost nothing, that’s just how the dunning kruger effect works. And I’m actually excited about this! Finally! I’m excited about something. I almost forgot what it felt like to be excited, wow! I don’t even remember what I was going on about, but I really need to go to sleep now. I think.