I keep asking myself, when is it my turn? I work so hard and love so much but everyone else seems to be reaping the benefits.
Last week someone that I thought was one of my closest friends called me and kicked me out of a living situation we had planned with our other close friend for our second year of college. I had always known that they were closer with each other than they were with me, but I never knew that he barely tolerated me for months on end before telling me this.
Although he tried to let me down easy, that conversation confirmed a lot of negative self-talk that I’ve had for awhile and almost killed myself over several times: that I’m unloveable and undeserving of being anybody’s favorite person. That’s the way it’s always been– I have two siblings so my parents’ love has always been divided, I didn’t have friends until my last two years of high school, and the person I consider to be my best friend constantly laments about how she doesn’t have any real friends when she has people flocking to her and a loving boyfriend of two years.
To add to the pain, all I’ve wanted for the past three years has been to be in a relationship, but the closest I’ve been to that are random hookups and getting stood up on dates. I’m a gay transgender man and have been rejected outright countless times when I reveal to men that I’m trans, and even the few ones that I’m compatible with in theory have all turned out to be people that I heavily disagree with on matters of personal politics. So while I’ve watched every single person I know, queer or not, get into loving relationships and find lifelong friends at college, I’ve been stuck on my own, desperately floundering for someone who will even look my way, much less see me as a best friend or parter. I feel utterly hopeless because I know that my chances of finding anyone that wants me back are slim to none but I don’t know exactly what it is besides the fact that I’m trans and have different views that pushes them away. This isn’t even the half of it; the rejections and bigoted comments and references to best friends and a pre-coming out childhood filled with being the butt of jokes have all piled up to block out the sun. I’m just so lonely and no matter what I do, I always end up alone.