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I just want someone to love me

by tuesdayblues

I keep asking myself, when is it my turn? I work so hard and love so much but everyone else seems to be reaping the benefits.

Last week someone that I thought was one of my closest friends called me and kicked me out of a living situation we had planned with our other close friend for our second year of college. I had always known that they were closer with each other than they were with me, but I never knew that he barely tolerated me for months on end before telling me this.

Although he tried to let me down easy, that conversation confirmed a lot of negative self-talk that I’ve had for awhile and almost killed myself over several times: that I’m unloveable and undeserving of being anybody’s favorite person. That’s the way it’s always been– I have two siblings so my parents’ love has always been divided, I didn’t have friends until my last two years of high school, and the person I consider to be my best friend constantly laments about how she doesn’t have any real friends when she has people flocking to her and a loving boyfriend of two years.

To add to the pain, all I’ve wanted for the past three years has been to be in a relationship, but the closest I’ve been to that are random hookups and getting stood up on dates. I’m a gay transgender man and have been rejected outright countless times when I reveal to men that I’m trans, and even the few ones that I’m compatible with in theory have all turned out to be people that I heavily disagree with on matters of personal politics. So while I’ve watched every single person I know, queer or not, get into loving relationships and find lifelong friends at college, I’ve been stuck on my own, desperately floundering for someone who will even look my way, much less see me as a best friend or parter. I feel utterly hopeless because I know that my chances of finding anyone that wants me back are slim to none but I don’t know exactly what it is besides the fact that I’m trans and have different views that pushes them away. This isn’t even the half of it; the rejections and bigoted comments and references to best friends and a pre-coming out childhood filled with being the butt of jokes have all piled up to block out the sun. I’m just so lonely and no matter what I do, I always end up alone.

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system 4/13/2021 - 10:19 pm

This is gonna sound weird, but I’m talking from experience. The people who love as hard as you do (me included) are the ones who end up in outpatients & group therapy. I met my ex at inpatient (we’re apart at the moment b/c he doesn’t feel he’s stable enough to be a good boyfriend right now) and he is the 1st person I’ve dated who has treated me like a human being. Who hasn’t hit me, berated me, belittled me, or turned a blind eye to my pain. That’s because he knows what it’s like to be in that kind of pain. We’re best friends and I always look forward to our 12 am walks.

Everything you’ve said in this post has really resonated with me. Reminds me of junior high, of all places.

tuesdayblues 4/13/2021 - 10:44 pm

Thanks for understanding. Still, what you said makes me sad that there’s yet another person out there with a best friend, even if they made that friend in group therapy. I’ve even admitted to myself that I would take an abusive relationship over remaining alone because I simply have no experience with anyone wanting me back. I might even be flattered that someone would care to pay that much attention to me, negative or not. That’s the kind of self image I’ve built from a pattern of experiences with rejection that has reinforced itself my whole life.

system 4/13/2021 - 11:26 pm

I completely understand those feelings, but this scares me: “I’ve even admitted to myself that I would take an abusive relationship over remaining alone because I simply have no experience with anyone wanting me back. I might even be flattered that someone would care to pay that much attention to me, ”
This is the mindset that makes you a target. This is how they get you. When you’re vulnerable. Don’t let yourself fall into that trap. Don’t let them steal the last bit of life you have left in you. Please. And as someone who’s endured 9 years of abuse from countless different perpetrators, I’m telling you right now that none of them stay. Ever. Idealize, devalue, discard. That’s the cycle. They toss you like garbage. Like you are nothing. They get bored when they’re done having their fun with you, and they leave to pursue a new victim.

Allow me to clarify the extent of the abuse I’ve gone through: I have a name carved in my leg as well as facial scars (mostly faded from religiously applying scar cream) from being forced to cut my face open. I was convinced that was love. Don’t let yourself become the puppet I became. Fight it as hard as you can. Look for the red flags, do so diligently.

When we love as hard as we do, we will do anything for reciprocation. Granted, I was being blackmailed, but it didn’t take very long for the Stockholm syndrome to swallow me whole. I think I have some older posts touching on abandonment and whatnot, if reading that sort of thing helps you feel less alone.

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