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I’m so scared.

by LeaveMeAlone.

I probably have some type of trauma. Whenever I get confronted, I always try to escape somehow.

Because, in the end, I’m still that same kid running away from his bullies, hiding and crying. Skipping class for hours just because he’s scared of being beaten. So scared. So lonely. But he can’t talk to anyone, because even his parents hit him, scream at him. Teachers too. And his classmates avoid him because he’s weird. That’s the way I was, and still am. So scared, so lonely, so confused and sad and angry and unable to do anything about it because of how scared I am.
Maybe I will be like this forever? I don’t want that, but I can’t… I can’t, I’m so scared. I can’t. Do anything to make it better. I’m too scared. I just run away from everything. I’m not safe anywhere, not even my own house. My own family. And how does this help me? I’m still… the same as always.

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9 comments

system 4/30/2021 - 2:58 pm

Bullying is trauma. Your pain is valid.

LeaveMeAlone. 4/30/2021 - 4:59 pm

It’s nothing like what you went through. I don’t understand how to deal with it though. Just the thought of admitting this type of thing to anyone I know irl makes me panic.

system 4/30/2021 - 5:17 pm

a) don’t belittle your own trauma. pain is relative.
b) most people don’t know how to deal with it. it takes practice.
are there specific things that are triggering for you?

LeaveMeAlone. 4/30/2021 - 5:47 pm

Specific things that trigger me… Being alone outside is one, and any type of confrontation is another one. Surprisingly, talking makes me calm down, no matter who I’m talking to, but if the subject comes anywhere near actually getting to know me, then I panic, and I don’t know what to do. My first instinct is to run, and if I can’t do that, I shut down completely.

system 4/30/2021 - 5:58 pm

I’m glad you can pinpoint your triggers, that’s important. That definitely sounds like a defense mechanism. It seems like almost a fear of letting anybody in, because you may associate opening up to people with getting hurt. Have you had any experiences in the past that have to do with betrayal/backstabbing or being used/taken advantage of?

LeaveMeAlone. 4/30/2021 - 6:19 pm

Well, with betrayal/backstabbing, being used or taken advantage of, I have so many experiences that I don’t even want to bother with counting them. I can name a few, but I’d say every person I’ve ever tried to get to know has used me or taken advantage of me at least once, but I haven’t really been betrayed that much. I’ve never had any relationship close enough that I’d consider someone turning on me to be a betrayal.
Actually, I have been “backstabbed/betrayed” totally seven times.

system 4/30/2021 - 7:40 pm

Well, there’s the source of the trauma response (the involuntary defense mechanism you’re experiencing). I deal with the same thing, I know the frustration very well. Please try not to beat yourself up over it, managing it takes time.

a1957 4/30/2021 - 8:53 pm

What system said is so true: “a) don’t belittle your own trauma. pain is relative.”

blue_dude15 5/1/2021 - 1:57 am

I also agree, I don’t think you can compare people’s trauma because all trauma is valid.

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