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by LeaveMeAlone.

1. who is ***?
2. who is ***?
3. who is ***?
4. who is ***?
5. who is ***?
6. who is ***?
7. who is ***?
8. who is ***?
9. who is ***?
10. who is ***?
11. who is ***?
12. who is ***?
13. who is ***?
Not me, not you, not anyone, but still someone.
14. who is ***?
15. who am I?
16. why don’t I remember
17. why don’t I remember
18. why?
19. Do I have to remember?
20. Where is ** ****?
21. Why do I ask questions without answers?
22. I don’t even want to know the answers
23. I don’t care.
24. I don’t care about it.
25. I don’t.
26. Stop.
27. Please.
28. Who is ***?
29. who is ***?
30. It’s me, right?
31. It’s me.
32. Why didn’t I know?
33. What?
34. I don’t remember.
I don’t want to know I don’t want to know I don’t want to know I don’t want to know I dont want to know i dont know i dont want to i dont know why whh why I don’t want to know stop pleasr stop I dont want to know so stop it please.
35. Who is ***?
36. Who is ***?
37. Who is ***?
38. Who is ***?
39. Who is ***?
40. Who is **?
41. Who am I?
42. Who are ****
them.

The noise is too loud. It’s too loud. I can’t hear anything except for that’s a lie. The noise is very loud. It’s so loud. It hurts. It really hurts. I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to wake up.
43. Why do I have to be like this?
44. Is it really necessary?
45. Maybe it is, I don’t want to know, leave me alone, step away from me, leave me alone, get out of my head, stop messing with me, leave me alone, just leave me alone. Leave me alone.
46. Leave me alone.
47. Leave me alone
47. Leave me alone
47. Leave me alone
47. Leave me alone
48. Leave me alone.
49. Leave me alone
50 Leave me alone, leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
Stop it.
Leavve me alone.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone? a, lonely.
Leave me a, lonely? hahaha.
I think it’s funny. a, lonely? lol.
a, lonely? a what? Doesn’t matter.

9 comments
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9 comments

TheOpenRoad 4/29/2021 - 8:09 am

I hope you’re ok man

LeaveMeAlone. 4/29/2021 - 11:45 am

I’m not. Everything has happened exactly the way I wanted it to happen. And it sucks.

TheOpenRoad 4/29/2021 - 12:19 pm

Alright. What happened?

LeaveMeAlone. 4/29/2021 - 12:27 pm

I just made the people around me look at me the same way I look at myself.

LeaveMeAlone. 4/29/2021 - 2:35 pm

Actually, what happened was my ex got back in touch with me… not good, because I was almost completely codependent of her and absolutely obsessed and now that I can talk with her again… I don’t even know what to think or feel anymore. It’s all just a blur. I can’t see clearly, and my mood swings are going crazy now, I don’t know if I’ll survive this weekend even. Even tonight. I mean, I’ve been crying for half an hour, thinking that I can either wait for someone to save me or do it myself, which is the last thing I want. I mean, just twenty minutes ago I was sure that I would hang myself tonight and now I don’t even feel like it at all. And yesterday, I did so many things. I’m switching so fast that I can’t keep up with myself and I don’t even understand what’s going on. I want to be free, I guess. Like, even though I’m on a medication that’s supposed to make me more hungry, I don’t feel like eating at all. I don’t understand what’s going on. It’s too much. But I’m barely doing anything, and then suddenly I want to do everything. I go from thinking that the only thing I can do is kill myself to wanting to clean my whole house and make dinner for the whole family in minutes and it’s so confusing. I can’t keep up. And I don’t know what to do.

system 4/29/2021 - 2:52 pm

It sounds like you’re having a bit of a manic episode. And that’s okay. I promise you that it passes. I know your brain feels really hectic and loud right now. It *will* quiet down, it just takes a bit of time. I know that the thoughts keep circling at a pace that’s impossible to keep up with, I know it feels like nothing makes sense, I know it feels like a rollercoaster. Your brain and body are reacting to a very difficult emotional situation. You’re distressed and that’s where a lot of this is coming from.

If you need to block your ex for your own wellbeing, then that’s okay. Tell her that the breakup is really hard on you and you need some time away to recuperate. There’s no shame in needing to disconnect from someone for self care.

Try your best to remind yourself that this is an episode, and it will pass. It will end. I know it’s much easier said than done, but I believe in you.

system 4/29/2021 - 1:44 pm

I’m happy that you’re writing a thought flow/internal dialogue. It can help get some strange feelings out sometimes.

TheOpenRoad 4/30/2021 - 4:16 am

System’s right, it does sound like a maniac episode. Have you ever got a diagnosis from a mental health professional?

LeaveMeAlone. 4/30/2021 - 11:45 am

Yeah, I have something called adjustment disorder, and medium-high levels of anxiety also “close to having an intense depressive episode”, according to a therapist.

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