Have you ever been in love?
I am almost 30 now and I have fallen in love with 3 women through my life, none of whom loved me back. Why would they? I am an empty shell of man with no real personality to speak of. I live my life in a sort of emotional stasis unable to truly connect with others in this world that feels more like a dream to me than an actual reality.
Soon I will leave a job I’ve worked at for years and no one there will miss me or care that I’ve gone at all for I was never really present there to begin with. I simply drifted through my time there connecting with no one.
But that is not entirely true. There is a woman there who I feel like an actual human around. When I am around her a personality manifests in me that I thought I had lost years ago. When I talk to her I feel like I’ve been awoken from a long sleep or been revived from the dead. Soon I will never see her again, I have to move on. She was taken long before I met her anyway and what seems a deep and meaningful connection to me is likely nothing special to her at all. She will never know how I felt and that is for the best. Yet the pain I feel knowing I will never see or hear from her again is almost too great to bear, but it is a pain all too familiar.
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3 comments
I really don’t know what unrequited love feels like but yes I have been in love and it’s a great feeling. The trick is be like a horse. You have to blind yourself to everything but what is in your way. Not everybody is going to love you back I suppose. Not everybody is capable of loving you back. But there are many that would fit with you the way that somebody is supposed to in a relationship. So perhaps you could look straight ahead like a horse for a person that is also looking at you.
Thank you for your reply. It is sound advice. I’m not sure I can fairly call anything iv experience real “love”. The connections I have have built through out my life have seemed so shallow and frail compared to others I have observed. Hopefully someday I will get get to the root of my problem and be capable of forging something more real and lasting. Until then all I can do is press forward.
At least you understand the building part. Connections aren’t all about ‘clicking’. When you fall in love, it happens. What you choose to do after that totally depends. That early warmth fades. Relationships are just work after that. They do have to be built. Sometimes I think I’d be better off without one:) Maybe you are. Maybe you aren’t. I hope you find what you’re looking for.