here again

Its been years since I’ve been on this site. I was too much of a coward to go through with actually killing my self back then. Over the past few years my life got better and the suicidal thoughts subsided for a while. Now My life is collapsing around me once again and once again it is all my fault. I have failed at everything meaningful in life but I’m still to afraid to do what should have been done years ago. It should be so easy to simply pick up that revolver and kill myself but I am so scared of the tiny chance I might survive and be even worse off. Not too mention the guilt of leaving others with the grief. I often wonder if I am in fact already dead and in hell, if the good things that happen in life only happen so I will have to endure the pain of the loss. I deleted most of my old posts a few years ago and now I regret it. I had some good exchanges with some old members f this site in the comments and would love dearly to be able to read them again. I wonder if those old members have moved on as I had or if they went through with their plans.