I takes a long time to die!

It was 2013, I wanted to die, planned the attempt precisely but when it came to that final nudge, I couldn’t do it. It was 2014, I wanted to die, I got myself into a very hostile environment, I said to myself maybe I would get lucky! The hostile environment kicked me out! 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019 saw me getting treated for depression! I was sectioned that means (I was forcibly admitted to hospital due to a high risk of harming myself), worst experience ever! Over the years I got treated privately (expensive) and through regular channels. 7 medication schemes later, no improvement. Stopped them all! Lost most of my friends, if could have called them friends I guess, this experience should me I had no friends, just part takers in jolly times, nobody really cares! Worst blow was when my brother betrayed my trust, and in my darkest hour left me to the wolves! Reflecting back, my parents are the only ones that offered me real support. It is said that you hurt the ones you love the most by suicide, it’s true, I don’t know how to avoid it!
2020 I’ve spiralled down since my brother hurt me, spent all my money, self destructing on all possible planes so I get the courage to do it, still a coward.
I ran out of food, I’m scavenging bits and pieces in the house, and I’m still a coward! What will it take, my dignity next?
I have build a pulley contraption to guarantee proper compression on the arteries through hanging, quick death, but still I need to trigger it, still a coward! So much sadness, so much loneliness, so much degrading of the body, the mind, the soul and still going day by day like a ghost trough this world, empty vessel hoping that one day I don’t wake up.
I saw a little kid hit by lightning on TV, I felt jealous it should have been me, I would happily change places, maybe he would have got a better shot at this life, this world is really unfair!
To the fucker that wrote our genetic code and embedded the will to survive, I hate you!!!