Lost my worth all over again TW drugs, weapon mentioned

I’m going to be 36 in a few days. Maybe I should jam a fucking knife in my chest for a fucking gift.
Useless useless useless I’ve got no job haven’t had one for a year and a half almost and the girl I loved SO MUCH the girl I thought loved ME OH you should hear how she speaks to me, like I’m a moron like cause I don’t have a job automatically I lost all the gifts I had that were a part of me and made me worthwhile I’m scared to work again but I’m scared of staying this way, what does that say to you?
I know what it says to me. I just want this to stop. Either let me have a bit of that life I enjoyed so much before I met her and my ex back or just let me die. Let me score some heroin and do myself in, it’s less scary than a job where I fail until I hate myself and everyone hates me or I do nothing til my gf is disgusted by me and chucks out and I die in the street either being kicked to death or we’re back to heroin