When is it my turn to feel loved? Everyone I’ve ever known has chosen someone else over me. I just want to know that I can make someone’s day brighter and that they want to do the same for me. The only person who makes me feel loved anymore is my mom, and that’s just not enough, especially given that she is often toxic and heightens my anxiety. All I’ve wanted for the past three years is to find a best friend or boyfriend, someone my age that will make me feel special. I haven’t even come close– I’ve been stood up on every date I’ve tried to go on, most guys reject me the moment I tell them I’m trans, a straight boy took my virginity while we were blackout drunk, and every crush I’ve admitted feelings for has straight up rejected me. Despite the fact that I’m trans and gay, you’d think I might at least have a chance. I’m relatively attractive, very smart, and sociable, yet I’m the only person I know besides my 12 year old sister who hasn’t had at least one parter. I straight up want to cry when I see a couple or group of friends in public, or when people tell me about how someone had a crush on them. I wish someone at least had the guts to tell me what’s wrong with me so I could fix it. I wish I could somehow know whether I was going to have a close friend or boyfriend ever in my life, even if it’s years in the future–even if I never do, it would help me move on and focus on other things besides how lonely I am. Is it so wrong for me to want to be loved, too?
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3 comments
I think wanting to feel loved is completely natural and of course you would want that for yourself. It is incredibly difficult to thrive in life when no one loves you. The loneliness is crippling. There is no way to know what the future holds.
Even reading this, my heart goes out to you. I certainly feel that, though in non romantic realms of my life. I got a partner, but I’m still coming to terms with my self loathing. A partner helps, for them to complete you is very high expectations.
Anyway, I was young and lovelorn to in a bygone era. What I remember is feeling like a lover would make me feel validated and wanted. So I kept seeking out these people that I thought would be the perfect tonic for my social issues that I had growing up.
It didn’t. I still live with those scars. Other people are there to keep you company, and many of the intimate moments we really want could be through friendship or more shallow dating relationships. I say all this because I have suffered injury to my body and heart figuring it out the hard way. One day no matter which kind of relationship, either you or your friends will be dead, and the other still living, still trying to come to terms of a world without that other.
That sounds like a difficult position. I’m sure that there are people out there who could love you and want to be with you, but they may be harder to find than is typical. Perhaps focus on those who express a more open range of attraction (bi, pan, whatever)? I don’t know how you’re presenting, but it could be you’re wasting a lot of heartache on people who are looking for something different?