Today i actually had a pretty awesome day! Me and my best friend went to a local community center which caters to those who enjoy making music. We played guitar, piano, drums, and sang karaoke on stage. We even ate this delicious party rice they ordered in, and i must say that it was the most fun i’ve had in awhile
But in the midst of having all this fun i noticed myself becoming absent minded and i started feeling depressed. I suddenly had all these negative thoughts in my head such as: ”they probably don’t like me and think im weird” …”my singing on stage sucks, i think that person in the crowd is laughing at me”…”why is the DJ not turning up my microphone so that i can be heard? he probably thinks i suck”.
”The band is playing over me so loudly, i can’t even hear myself play guitar…perhaps they don’t care that i can’t be heard…i probably don’t belong on stage”.
When explaining it like that it feels like i didn’t have a fun time at all, but that’s also not true. There were new people that i met that made me feel welcome and i had fun jamming with some of them….there were genuine moments of laughter and conversations about our taste in music and it all felt natural.
When the party is over
Now afterwards i can’t help but feeling like crap. It’s like an afterwards reminder that my life still sucks and im depressed (a lengthy story posted on why my life sucks and im depressed |Depression timeline| | the suicide project – suicide stories)
(If you care to read)
But anyways, im now at home feeling this lump in my throat while tears slowly roll over my face…feeling like i will never be happy nor deserve to be happy. Im only 25 years old but my depression makes me feel like i’ve lived my current age over 3x already (for those who hate math, 25×3 = 75).
I often feel out of place due to depression, and at times for being black and LGBT (Bi sexual trans woman).
I can’t say i didn’t have fun at all, but now im home and i can’t help but feel sad now that the party is over.