”Getting my affairs in order”.

Is life worth living? should i blast myself?

I’ve been here before. Having a really bad day that ends with me in my room crying, while listening to really sad songs (usually followed by a lack of quality sleep after the depressive episode) wondering…”is life worth living? should i blast myself”? 

My day began like any other day, eating a peanut butter sandwich (yes everyday!) because it’s the most easy thing for me to prepare being depressed and mentally exhausted. Watched some YouTube, Netflix and played some music (nothing special).

Then i went to my city mall hoping to find new clothes to buy. While at it i decided to also try my luck gambling in the casino. My goal was to hopefully win €30,- to replace my broken sunglasses.

Well…it went horribly wrong and i lost allot of money (€170,- which is allot of money in my financial situation). I tried gambling in the hope i could win, buy the sunglasses and still save up most of the money i had.

Because of my chronic joblessness, gambling would often be a source of income for me… extra money i saved up out of my own pocket, would usually be spent on things such as clothes, shoes, occasional outdoor expenses like eating, until i ran out of money and then i had to depend on only €50,- a week meant to do grocery shopping (as well as buy basic self-care and cleaning products – basically i’m short on money).

As you can imagine i feel really bad! But this gambling loss only adds to other existing problems i have. It’s like the last drop of water the makes your cup spill over.

So…this is it?

Is it really happening…? am i really gonna make my departure from this world…?

With contemplating my suicide comes feelings of uncertainty…but i can say with certainty that i’m already ”getting my affairs in order” so that if i do actually commit suicide, i’ve already taken care of the things i want to take care of before leaving.

I’ve already written an suicide letter containing the usual suicide cliches, but i also wrote down my username and password to my SuicideProject account giving those close to me access to more in depth story telling as to why i was so unhappy in my life.

I also wrote down a list of songs i like and that mean allot to me, as a way to remember me. These are the types of songs i would want playing at my funeral (Songs such as: ”Sia – Chandelier”, ”Linkin Park – Numb”and ”In The End”, ”Nelly Furtado – All Good Things Come To An End”).

I’ve always had a passion for music. I thought myself how to play the guitar and piano as well as write and compose original songs. I also referenced the songs i wrote in my suicide letter, that i’m most proud of.

In the letter i explained how it would mean allot to me if someone else with a passion for music and a better singing voice than i had (my singing sucks), would take over my songs and sing it in my memory. So that the songs i wrote would not have been written for nothing.

As stated in the letter i would post those songs on my SuicideProject account aswell as sing the entire arrangement of my songs on my mobile phone which will be accessible along with the suicide letter.

''If the day comes when i commit suicide, whether it be tomorrow or not...i will at least be prepared and feel more at ease taking my own life. If you stop hearing from me after awhile, chances are i didn't make it''-.