In my delusions I somehow managed to convince myself that I’m perfect and there’s nothing wrong with me, again. Yeah I’m a narcissist… my mother isn’t. I’m the problem. I made my mother cry today. It’s not the first time. We got into an argument and it didn’t get very heated but then again that might be another one of my delusions. I just told her I didn’t like her. I don’t have any reason to, but I also don’t have any reason not to. I guess it’s because she is really trying hard to get to know me and actually help me. I’m really a really really bad person. My parents both work hard while I do absolutely nothing except provide for myself with the resources that I get provided with (raw food, bed, bathroom…) I’m doing enough to survive but apart from that I don’t do a lot. Maybe I’m spoiled? There’s nothing for me to do. I don’t have any hobbies. I’ve never been interested in anything that’s not myself. There really isn’t a lot to me though. I’m below average but I see myself as superior to everyone around me, but also inferior to everyone around me. It depends on my mood I guess. I never feel confident. Nobody really cares about me that much outside of my family but for some reason I hate my family more than anything else. I don’t have any reason to not like my family. But I hate them. Maybe that’s another one of my delusions? Just because I was neglected as a child. Now I project my own feelings onto everyone around me instead of dealing with them on my own. I wish that no one cared about me because then they would fit into my world view. Rather than thinking that I’m wrong, I’m thinking that the whole world is wrong. But that doesn’t make any sense. I’ve been planning to kill myself for 10 years but maybe there is another way. I don’t want to care about all this. Planning and the future and the past… all of it seems so distant. It feels like I shouldn’t have to deal with all of that. So I’ll spend another day, completely alone, going outside my room to get food and then going back to listen to music. Going outside once a day because it’s supposed to be good for me. And then having absolutely nothing to do, but that’s no ones fault apparently. I can’t blame myself or my family for me being someone that never had a hobby or was ever interested in anything. Why do I have to deal with all of this? Maybe it’s some type of punishment, but for who? It’s not like I’m suffering that much. I just spend every moment of the day trying to come up with an excuse to not kill myself. It’s not like I matter to anyone. Why would I matter to anyone? No one cares about me anyway. And there I go again. Being delusional. And for what? It doesn’t benefit me or anyone else. So why do I so desperately try to convince myself to die? Why? Obviously there are people who would care. Even if the things I imagine tell me otherwise. Not like there are a lot of people to talk to outside my own head. I’m just stuck in there without a way out. And I’m the one that put myself in this situation. But it’s not my fault, or my family’s fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. There is no one to blame. That’s why it feels so wrong. If I could blame literally anyone, even myself it would be so much easier to fight it. But there’s no one to blame.
So what am I supposed to do now? Draw maybe. I can’t read any books because my parents took my computer away from me and I cba going to the library and borrowing another book that I’ll read 5 pages of and never pick up again, so that my parents will then ask me a bunch of questions about a book that I haven’t even read. I could go for a walk. Or swim. But really… it’s all so boring. I guess I’ll draw. At least I’ll do something cool then.
But how am I supposed to look someone in the eye and tell them my plan with life is to end it, especially someone that cares about me? Like what.