I’m a young adult and should be enjoying my 20’s going on a trip with my friends or dating a girlfriend.
I don’t and Instagram keeps reminding me of the fact that my 20’s is never going to look like what I expected it to be. What am I even doing in my life? My only friend is someone who still likes me more than friends and I can’t sever ties with him because I’m selfish and don’t want to be left alone. My college friends don’t really care about each other and my high school friends are so distant I don’t think I’ll ever feel comfortable around them anymore.
I feel ugly and look ugly, too. I mean, look at my body – full of white, angry scars. I don’t even go to a swimming pool because I don’t want anyone to see my upper body.
I grew out of cutting, though. Being an adult made the feelings so numb I barely feel it when I’m busy. I just.. I’m just really tired, you know? I know I’m still young and that my days as a fully grown man has barely started. But I don’t think things will ever get better than this. I hope I was never born. How happy my mother would have been. She wouldn’t have had her kids to stop her from moving on from my dad and dating someone who cares about her. She’s the whole reason I’m studying to get a good job. Maybe me gone would actually benefit her.
I’m just rambling. I think I should just kill myself.
2 comments
I don’t think your mom would be better off without you, after all the sacrifices she made for you. It doesn’t mean you should live only to bring her happiness, but she loves you, cares about you and would be miserable without you. You give a purpose to her existence.
As for Instagram, it is not an accurate representation of reality, but rather an idealized version of it. Get off Instagram! Most people there pretend to be happy, but hide their sorrows and worries. It’s normal to be in your 20’s, not really have friends and not date a girlfriend. Many young adults are in the same situation as you and that’s fine. Let go of your expectations about how your life should be, accept what you can’t change and seek meaning rather than distractions. Ultimately, the superficial stuff on Instagram don’t really matter. Neither does your physical appearance.
Connect with yourself, music, nature, God… An average life is good enough. It’s ok not to have much fun. I wish you a balanced, beautiful time.
People always put their best (sometimes fake) side of them on Social Media, it is very misrepresented of what a normal person should be. Trust me, their life are also filled with hardships and insecurities because nobody is a perfect human being and live a perfect life. The key is to accept those imperfections and try to live the best life. You said someone like you more than just friend. That proves that you are a good and lovable person. Maybe give him a chance 😉