It’s the contrast for me
Summer is right around the corner, the weather is hot, the skies are blue and mosquito’s they somehow find their way in to your bedroom. It’s that time of the year when having a good time is to be expected with fun outdoor activities like: going to the beach, hitting the mall, organizing a barbecue, drinking and eating way more than you should.
The way summer is often made synonymous with having a good time is exactly why i feel even more depressed. Now waking up to bright morning light shining through my window and birds chirping at 6 AM reminds me of how unhappy i am. Being depressed in contrast to long summer days full of sun shine makes you wish the day would just end sooner.
On days like these i prefer to sit in a dark room with the curtains closed and pretend the sun went down at 5 PM instead of 10 PM.
The urge to suicide
The more i’m confronted with my unhappiness the more i feel the urge to commit suicide. As time passes on i can feel myself slowly fading away in to nothingness…my hopes and dreams shattered, my days spent alone, my body not taken care of….not eating properly and losing weight because of it. My mind imagining a day in which i no longer walk the earth.
Thinking of the people i will leave behind…my mother, grandmother, two little brothers, nieces and nephews as well as the few friends i do have. Thinking of the music i made that won’t be played by me once i’m dead. Thinking of my closet filled with new clothes that i haven’t worn out yet, that i will never wear once i’m dead. Thinking of all the potential people have always said i possess, that will never be fulfilled.
That’s me imagining my suicide becoming a reality once the urge to suicide becomes too strong to resist!