Hello world, I know it’s been a while since we last spoke like this. Things have been rough. I turn 21 this year, crazy, right? The last time we spoke, I was in a bad place. A few years have gone by, and it hasn’t been easy. I moved out of my parent’s house on my own for about a year. It was intense.
I got to look at the world by myself! It’s scary, really. Parties, nights alone drinking, it’s all very boring. I spent a lot of time drinking last year. It was the only thing to do alone. Hanging out with people always made me uncomfortable and awkward. I did have some superficial friends, though, mostly just people that I could drink with. Falling into the wrong crowd was really easy. Moving helped, though, and I thought I needed to focus on myself and finding a career, you know? Building a life for myself and getting a 401K, that’s a crock of shit if you ask me. I have a job; I dehydrate fruit; I ALSO have benefits and a 401k. It feels soulless, the money, the always wanting more. When I started noticing that I felt sick, I thought I wasn’t materialistic. This world does that after a while. You beat yourself up for what you don’t have. When I noticed that, I became very thankful for the little I do have. The place I’m at now is this; everything feels pointless. Everything does. Besides music, music has helped through most of my life, though it’s not helping me see a point in things. Of course, there is no ultimate goal. Ever since I was a kid, I dreamed of being a musician. I have actually considered it. If I could quit everything and try… lately, I have a hard time seeing a point to anything. I’m not happy, and I know it’s the same as when I was a kid, depression. There is more depth to it now, though; I see that there really is nothing that will make me happy. I want it to end; I don’t want to feel out of place anymore like I have my whole life like I don’t belong. I don’t. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t.
Is it just greed or the normal human condition to struggle so much with being ashamed of what I am, of all my dreams that have died, all hope for something satisfying, dashed? What do I work toward, someone please tell me. The longer I struggle with this, the more I want it to just end. I think about it all the time now. I drift off at work. I drift off at home. I feel disappointed in myself; I feel ashamed. It’s hard to convey the uneasiness of it. Maybe I am just directionless. I can’t help but think back to my childhood for being the cause of my lack of confidence. I’ve never heard my dad say he was proud of me. Actually, yes, but he was drunk, and I remember he was talking to my sister but didn’t want me to feel left out. Should a memory like that hold as much significance? I guess it shouldn’t if you’re trying to feel good about yourself. It’s just so hard, truthfully, because all I ever wanted was my father to be proud of me. I don’t talk to my father much or my mother. I don’t have a close bond with either. I love them both. I feel like my life is more of a burden on others at this point. I feel worthless. As I say that, of course, there’s a tear in my eye. Acknowledging it is hard because I do try not to think that way, but it’s how I feel, deeply, desperately worthless. I guess that brings me to this.
I might end up losing this battle, and the realization of that is almost a relief. I think I will die by my own hand, I think I will die alone, I think I will die soon. That sounds horrible, but it’s almost a sigh for me.
1 comment
It seems like you’re doing slightly better. I’m glad for u.